LETS TALK ABOUT WHERE THE YOGA BEGINS.

BUT I can't do yoga "again" ! Yes I actually said this. Me, a yogi who knows full well that yoga isn't just about the physical practice and that the science of yoga encompasses more than I could share with you here in this typed bit. My mind is blown the more and more I educate myself on what yoga really is. What it has to offer us and WHAT IT REEEAAALY IS! !

However, yes I said it to my doctor as he explained to me that I would need to go through a 4th spinal surgery the other day. So, here is the deal ya'll. A bit of background about my journey.

I went into a Yoga Teacher Training program about 2 years ago. I want into it after having had a spinal implant put in for pain management. I have always loved yoga and it therapeutically has been amazing for my muscle spasms and pain. It has done wonders for my depression, anxiety and over all health. However, once I was ready to head into this program after healing from an intense spinal surgery which gave me a CYBROG type implant to help control my pain I was blown away by the philosophy of yoga and MORE.

I had drank the coo-laid guys. I went to Teacher Training two nights a week for 3 hours per night. Plus extra classes outside that were required at the studio AND I had a daily practice which I created fro myself. I was immersed in yoga and it felt AMAZING!

SOMETHING happend to me and I started to change. My body was changing but so was my mind, my perspective, my heart. As my body opened up and awakened so did my mind and I even found a soul in there somewhere. I have never been "spiritual" but there in that room full of like-minded yogis I felt connection. I was blissed out all the time and feeling JOY......no reason. JUST JOY, contentment and first the first time happiness inside myself.

I became totally okay with silence and craved it. My body was strong and the more yoga asana (movement) I practiced the more my body wanted and the less pain and suffering I was feeling. I was focused in a way I had never been in my life. I couldn't wait to share what I felt with the world.

BUT WAIT!  ! !

I wanted to share what I was feeling with the world.....now that is the hard thing to explain to you. When people of the world come to a "yoga class" they are mostly coming to "work out". They might enjoy the tid bit of philosophy or little wisdom I share with them but they are NOT coming there to search deeply into themselves and go through a massive self-transformation. RIGHT?

I get it. I do.

So, I just have to say, when I found yoga .....when I REALLY FOUND IT, that is what I found. I found amazing connection with a self inside me that I didn't even know was there. I found NEW perspective, and new eyes. Also, there was this amazing strong , loving person looking back at me that I never thought was in there too. She had abilities I never thought possible with my physical limitations. I learned to honor and respect my limitations and through that I have been accomplishing more than I ever dreamed , including a sense of peace I never dreamed of.

WITH ALL THAT SAID!

This brings us to today.......just had another surgery a few weeks ago....and no asana for me for 6 weeks. THAT IS hard for me. Yoga movement for me is a moving meditation that I practice every day. Connection to my breath and the movements of my "broken" body allows me to move past all that is hurting and painful there and creates less pain and less obstacles for me. With each surgery I have taken time each day to move my hands....connect with breath, self and meditate. This has been crucial. THIS IS YOGA.

I keep saying this to myself. THIS IS YOGA. I know this in my heart as I know that "stilling the fluctuations of the mind" is also yoga. The movements of yoga is only one path to this.

Just after 2 weeks from this 3rd surgery they told me it didn't take and I would need to go back in for another, more aggressive spinal surgery. UT OH! No asana again?

Not just no ASANA, no jogging and in bed totally for 2 weeks. No movement for me, in general is rough. LOL

LETS TALK ABOUT WHERE THE YOGA BEGINS.
RIGHT NOW ! !

So, my mentors have talked to me about this giving me unbelievable support. AND they are right. My mind goes off on all my worries of what "no asana" will do to my body and how long it will take me to gain back what I have worked so hard to gain physically. However, I CAN NEVER LOOSE, what I have gained mentally. I have gained a site that I will never unsee.

I CAN BREATH, I CAN DO YOGA. I CAN MOVE MY FINGERS- TOES....i can do yoga.

HECK YA.....I am here to tell you that I can do yoga every day . I am aware and present in the here and now about my feelings about my asana practice and that my dearest friends is me working it out with myself. This is my yoga.

This struggle is real for this YOGINI.

I can't wait to FLOW through SURYA NAMASKARA again but until that day I am here learning mudras, nidra and practicing restraint to honor the healing that must take place. KNOW that it is NOT easy. However, I honor this path and accept it.

~Namaste~
Yogini Opa

My Social Cocoon and the Sleeping Sheep

I'm in a social cocoon. 

Too much on my mind,

yoga to do, zen to find.

Basics to tend to, 

So heavy my life, 

And pieces of me falling away,

A little more each day.

So, yoga is my only sane. 

Got business in my brain to tame...

Falling appart at my seams 

You might see soon the innards of me.

Softness and peace find me.. 

But only a moment they stay.. 

Drift away... And there I am... 

Again my worried mind and I.

I build my social cocoon

Let it protect me from untruths 

By turning inward I strive to

Leave these sleeping sheep

Finding calm and peace - truth

by, Opal CH

Peace be EVERYWHERE.

Om Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu

May Peace & Happiness Prevail

This is a PEACE MANTRA :Om lokah samastah sukhino bhavantu. Although this mantra does not appear in any of the existent Veda sakhas [Vedic branches], it is an expression of the universal spirit that we find therein. Let's take a look at what context it appears in and what meaning it carries. The sloka as a whole reads as follows:

May there be well being to the people;
May the kings rule the earth along the right path;
May the cattle and the Brahmins have well being forever;
May all the beings in all the worlds become happy;
Peace, peace and peace be everywhere!

The basic gist is "for peace and harmony to prevail, the kings--i.e. the politicians and leaders--should have a healthy approach towards their subjects and govern according to principles of dharma."

Harmony between humans and the rest of creation is also stressed in this prayer. Actually cow can be taken as representative of the entire animal kingdom. The Sanskrit word for cattle is "go," which is a most profound Vedic symbol and has many subtle spiritual meanings. Two such secondary meanings are "earth" and "mother," and as such the sloka could also be a prayer for the welfare of Mother Earth.

The most important aspect of the mantra is that the sage does not pray only for his clan or nation but for the whole world or, more precisely, all the world.  Instead of asking for something for our self, pray to universe/ higher power, for the whole of creation. 

Praying to your higher power for the welfare of all sentient beings--all humans, all animals, all plants—our mind becomes more expansive. Through such prayer we slowly can go beyond our limited egocentric concepts of self to identify with the entire creation, recognizing its true nature to be none other than our own...... as we too are part of the WORLD/ UNIVERSE, we also are benefited from the blessings of the prayer.

Om Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu

Sources: 

yoga class taken at Spirit of Yoga

http://archives.amritapuri.org/bharat/mantra/lokah.php

written by: Dragonfly

You don't look"Disabled"...

Can you see inside? 

You look at me and you see an able person. I look "fine to you" and you hear the words "I am a Yogi" and you see this twisted pretzel of a person standing in a handstand or on one arm, all muscle and just smiling. Then you ask me what I do and I reluctantly let you know that I have been disabled for about 11 years now. You hear the word "disabled" and you see the symbol of a wheel chair that is on that blue disability tag that is painted in that parking spot in front of your local super market. You look at me and don't see any physical deformity, you see no wheel chair or blood huge marks or scars on my body. You see me walking (that particular day) perfectly fine. 

WHAT YOU DON'T SEE...or even consider is the inside workings of the human body. Do you know that all my bones, organs, brain...etc is fully functional. Why don't you consider this part of the human machine and that it might be in severe mal-function? 

Immediately I am a liar and can't possibly be sick enough to be "disabled". I am functioning fine this particular day and so I am NOT "sick enough" by your judgement. 

You didn't see me yesterday as I crawled on hands and knees from my bed to the bathroom in mind-numbing pain to vomit over and over. You didn't see me as I cried my eyes out because no injection or narcotic was strong enough to kill the pain of my deformed spine and nerve damage caused by this condition. You don't know all the side effects and repercussions that chronically ill patients have to suffer from their medications. The way I grasp at my painful intestines and cry because they don't function properly anymore. Can't think straight enough some days to make regular, every day decisions because of the brain fog that has clouded my mind. All of this now cloaking my emotions in depression and sadness at my lowest times. 

I spend more than half my life at multiple doctor's offices managing a blood disease. CAN YOU SEE that from where you sit? Can you see other people's (and my) nerves on my exterior to know that we are not broken inside? The answer is, NO. You can't know what a chronically ill person goes through when they are having a "bad day". Some chronic illnesses leave you with good days, and bad days. YES.....we chronically ill want to embrace every single good moment. When our body is functioning at it's best we went to take walks and hikes and whatever we can embrace to to that day. We WANT TO SMILE ! 

MY GOODNESS....we want to appear and be as "average and normal" as we can that day. Those other days which are so challenging for us and for people like me, so painful, that we want to REALLY LIVE....REALLY HOLD ON to those GOOD DAYS ! 

Still, this label of "disabled" apply's to myself and others like me. There are whole months worth of time when I am stuck in my house. Sometimes confined to my bed even. You---as an onlooker wouldn't know that by seeing me on a "good day". 

Please, rethink what you know about a "disabled" person or any person for that matter. Please don't judge someone's suffering. You can't possibly quantify their pain or distress. Perception and view point is everything in our lives. Be compassionate......and know that there is usually more under the surface than you see in everyone's outer shell. 

13 REASONS WHY "YOU DON'T LOOK SICK/DISABLED" IS NOT A COMPLIMENT ! 

disableism:

soooyeahanyway:

1. I am ill and I am disabled, and this is what I look like.
2. What do you THINK disabled or ill people look like?
3. It makes it sound like you think disabled people “should” look a bit gross or a bit wierd.
4. It makes it sound like I have to prove my illness to you.
5. It creates a hierarchy of what one ableist acquaintence called, “Like, you know. Disabled-disabled and normal people disabled. Like, you’re disabled but you’re also normal. You’re disabled but you’re also not really disabled because you’re also like us.” That is not okay.
6. It makes it sound like if I did “look disabled” then you’d either think less of me or you’d believe me more.
7. For the same reasons you shouldn’t say to someone, “You don’t look Jewish!”
8. For the same reasons you shouldn’t say to someone, “You don’t sound black!”
9. It often sets the conversation up in a way where you are the judge and you can either validate or invalidate my disability and how much it affects me.
10. Neither my illnesses nor my disabilities are totally invisible if you took the time to learn about them and decided to pay attention.
11. It makes you sound untrustworthy. It makes me think you’re going to be the kind of person that will jump to conclusions about my health if I don’t look or act in certain stereotypical ways. Can I laugh and have a good time around you without you implying I’m cured or dismissing my conditions? (Because it really sucks when you do that.)
12. It feels really dismissive and discouraging.
13. It is dehumanizing. 15% of the world’s population is disabled. We come in more shapes and sizes than able-bodied people do. Whatever a disabled or ill person looks like, that is what disabled and ill people look like regardless of your preconceptions.

As a person who is extremely visibly physically disabled, hearing someone say this to a fellow spoonie with a invisible illness cuts me to the bone. As stated above, it makes me feel like you think I am less than. It makes me feel like you think people who look disabled are ugly, therefore I am ugly. You must think so much less of me than you do this person who ‘doesn’t look disabled’. This is an insult and invalidating to all people with disabilities.

Source:
http://thischroniclife.tumblr.com/post/121574535999/13-reasons-why-you-dont-look-sick-disabled-is

Just Breath...

Through tough times there is always Yoga. 
As I continue with my Yoga study at this moment in my journey, approaching my Spinal surgery date, I find it important in my Svadhyaya (self study) to stay focused on Samtosa (contentment with life as it shows up).

I am nervous and am cranky and unfocused. I am needing Yoga more than ever. I am realizing the importance of my focus toward Ahimsa (self judgement or inner dialog). I need to be gentle with myself in this hard time. Understanding of my own fears and unease related to this challenging situation. At the same time I feel the best thing is to, through asana and meditation to release those fears in realizing Isvarapronidhana (surrender to a higher power). We can only do so much for our self and for others. I will take time to worry and I will also take time to let go of this worry. Feeling grateful for Yoga today.

Focusing on Pitanjalis 8 limbs of Yoga and the Yamas and Niyamas. 

By: Dragonfly

No time zone on the mat

It is true. TIME is a perception. When I zone into my practice time just flutters away and all that exists is nothingness. It feels as if the world as we know it has floated away. I find a place that is void of marks, the way we mark moments, minutes, hours, days. Smooth and without dots and dashes is the way I am when I am breathing and moving in this wave-like journey when i am there on my mat. My body has this fluid-liquid-like state and there is no yesterday, and no tomorrow. There is only NOW....in and out of my breath and ME.

Sometimes it is hard to want to come back from a place that is so non-script and void of naming. Hard to want to come back to a world that is full of suffering and pain. However, to know that I can go to this place at any time. To know that I can have this practice at my disposal in my mind, in my heart and in my breath at any time I need to use it is wonderful.

Admittedly finding my yoga-zone isn't always an easy task. My heart isn't always in it and sometimes finding that release and surrender isn't always easy. Practicing yoga is still always possible. It is always possible to breath. It is always possible to take note of my breath. I can always notice that I am breathing fast and short, for example and always notice that I am "holding the breath" due to stress. Maybe I can't settle myself that day enough to sit and meditate because I am too antsy but I can take a jog because that is the Yoga my body is asking for and so I do it and then I have expended the energy my body needed to. I do find that after that I am finally able to flow through my breath to some asana and then finally to some stretching and lastly to my savasana. Lovely, lovely savasana.

Life has brought me to this place. A place I never knew I was looking for. I never knew it was missing from me. A place where I can finally just begin to really SEE ME. In that place on my mat where there is NO time.

By Dragonfly

Entry inspired by this article:
http://www.yogitimes.com/article/concept-notion-time-yoga-slow-down-present

Yoga Found me Today- it's found me for good.

I like the definition of Yoga that states:

"Yoga is obtaining that which before was unobtainable"

First I am there because I need to be. I am anxious and hurting and have hope Yoga will be my guide and answer. My asana (yoga poses/movement) and breath are leading the way and I am struggling to find a flow and rhythm. I am holding each pose several breaths ---I close my eyes and deepen my breath searching for release from pain.

I feel my mind racing through it's worries and it contains me. I breath. With every pose my breaths are longer-- slower and deeper. I am saying the Sanskrit in my head as I am doing my Classical Sun Salutation. It is me using my brain to try to remember all the pose names. My gaze is blurry as I feel my body start to leave the house I live in, and my worried world. My breath becomes my water and I swim now through the motions - - the pose names float away. Like riding on an ocean I flow through the poses and my body-mind surrenders to this peace, this calm that Yoga is. There I am, where I never thought I would be today. My pain has dulled, my head and body is light, my body is strong yet soft and I move without thought.

Yoga has found me and I have only just begun a journey which I feel is going to bring me where I am meant to go in life. It amazes me sometimes the turns that our path take. Where I THINK I should be headed vs where my path will actually lead me. This past January I started into the Yoga Teacher Training program at the Southwest Institute of the Healing Arts with intention of continuing on with education there into being a Yoga Therapist. When I started I wasn't sure if I was going to be to complete the whole 800 hour program. However, after starting the 200 portion I knew it was a definite that I could do it.

The challenges that were upon me before I started like pain, lack of confidence in myself, and lack of intelligence started to reveal themselves as just fears. I realized that Yoga would help me through all of these things.

Then in March as I was almost done with the first part of three that comprise the 200hr portion I found out I would need to go back in for spinal surgery. At first upon hearing this news it crushed me. It scared me more than I has expected. I reacted in a very exaggerated way to this news (as has been my way or reacting my whole life). This my "Avidaya" or formed life patterns and habits. At this point I realized that this set back was actually here for a reason. It was teaching me the true nature of Yoga. My teacher even pointed this out to me.

She reminded me that going into this surgery I had tools of Patangali's Yoga Sutra that I had gained through my training over the last three months in my classes. That as I would go through this hard time I would use my Yoga.  I would use my breath to get through the pain. I have gained the company of amazing people in this class who have shown me their amazing spirits and voiced their support. This in itself to me is JOY. I am also moved by my Mother's gift of coming out here in this time and am comforted and blessed to have her here with me.

As I await my surgical date I find myself becoming impatient and short tempered and I remind myself of the intention for my current practice. Which is one of compassion and the letting go of anger. I remind myself of the importance of patience.

I see now that this kink in my own plans is an opportunity to put into practice all that I have been studying in my Yoga and practicing on the mat.

Now instead of wishing that this event were over and getting back to my Yoga training again I look forward to seeing if I can put my Yoga to practice. Then when I have done so, getting back to my Yoga Training and with anticipated struggle but with honor to where I will be at that time, continue my journey to some day being able to pass along this amazing science of Yoga to those who may need it as much as I do.

A bit about "Avidaya": 

This is the “accumulated result of our unconscious actions.” We have done things the same for years and perceived things the same as well. The mind becomes dependent on these habits and these actions and perceptions become our “normal”. These habits then cover the mind obscuring clarity of consciousness.

By working on Tapas (keeping ourselves healthy in and out and cleansing) , svadhyaya (self-study) and isvaraprahidhana (quality of action) we can reduce Avidya and “work on ourselves”.  

By, Dragonfly

Sources: The Heart of Yoga by T.K.V. Desikachar

The wiring of my patience and compassion fuses.

Reflect Peace ! 

Chronic Illness and chronic Pain isn't something that everyone has a good understanding of. Friends and family will nob and say “I understand”. Do they really understand that you, yourself, really don't even know yourself after years and years of struggle. Even as your body physically or mentally suffers so does your mind and all it's circuits.

The suffering eats away a bite at a time from your patience fuse, compassion fuse and your agitation limit. You become easily annoyed by things that aren't appropriate and you take it out on the ones you love the most. You don't even recognize yourself some days and all you can do is cry in private about how you miss the pain-free and chronic suffering self. You can only say your sorry so many times to those loved ones before they too are “done with you” and just see that your actions repeat themselves when you are at your worst suffering. As much as you try to control yourself, these short fuses and shortened limits are just built into our design now. The design of ourselves which now includes chronic illness.

For all those in our lives who do understand that we NEVER MEAN to be what we have become in those explosive moments toward you. We are trying with all our might to lengthen, cultivate, and nurture those fuses back to their proper lengths. It just takes time and discovering mechanisms which work for each one of us. Please hang in there with us and know that we need you. We need your HUGS, LOVE, understanding, tolerance, support, and rubs on the back definitely don't hurt.

Healing touch does wonders for us during these hard times. Tiny, butterfly, rubs on my back when I have blown my lid are a gift and I thank you for those.

Reacting peacefully when we have gone off the deep end and are in a crazy state about something ridiculous will set our mind at ease if it is something you are strong enough to do. Reflect peace back at us and don't let us ruin your calm. Be contagious and rub off on us. Let us catch some of what you have to give. So choose to give stability, tranquility and peace in a time which is probably a time of suffering for us. You will see a huge difference in our dynamic and we will be so thankful for the help in rewiring our fuses to be a bit longer and better suited for dealing with our Chronic pain/illness and suffering.

Thank you to all those supporters out there. Those who stand by our sides during moments of un-peace. Who take those moments when we crack and help us through them and don't take the easy road and just walk away. Your hand in ours, whether figuratively or physically is much appreciated and needed.

Thank you !

 I dedicate this post to my loving husband (who mostly gets it right). He, like any other caregiver, could use a bit of advice here and there with how to deal with that person (the person I least know in myself) that comes out every now and then with a very short fuse. 

Success - Just changed at heart.

My father always pushed himself beyond his limits because he was never satisfied with less than the best from himself, and he was never going to be happy than less than the best from “his girls”.

He pushed us to get good grades at ever level of school. There was no question whether we were going to college or not. Whether we had the money or not we were going to earn our way or die trying. It was important to him that his kids had a college education and become “successful” in their lives. He had been the first in his family to have a college degree and he wanted the best for his children.

When I graduated college I pushed myself the same way. I worked myself to the bone taking assistant-ships far away from my home. I drove two hours in and out of the city working everything I could get in the Profession I had chosen. I worked 24 hour days sometimes to come home and sleep 2 days to recover. I received amazing hands-on experience that first year as a Photography/ Applied Media Arts graduate. Then I got my first job with a large Photography Corporation. I worked for them for 5 years. They hours were very long and I drove all over the US photographing family s and children portraits for them. It was amazing experience and long and physical days. I was in amazing shape and still young with endurance I can't imagine having now! After 5 years I got a job with a private Studio and worked with some amazing Talents in the Portrait Photography business. At this time my own Photography business started growing. I was working 6-7 days a week photographing for the Studio on the weekdays and for my business on the weekends doing weddings and other small jobs. My income was good and I has been self supportive for 7 years. I had lived in my own 3 bedroom townhouse for all of this time and enjoyed the freedom of a good income.

One day I found myself driving to work and unable to focus on the road because of a nagging pain in my eyes. By the time I got to work I was almost paralyzed in pain in my eyes, head and left arm. I was in bad shape and ended up in the ER that day. There were many days like this to come. This condition worsened and turned into a Paralyzing nerve/ pain/ migraine condition which was un-namable by 15 specialists in the next 2 years. I continued to try to hold my job for months. I tried my best to hold other small jobs for small clips refusing to give up and file for disability even though I was being advised to. I was now bedridden and being fed through a straw. My husband was my caregiver and it was all he could do to keep it together upon seeing his wife in such a sad state.

In a short time I had lost everything. My career, my fitness success, many of my friends, my drive to live, my drive to succeed and my ability to even do daily functional tasks. It was a shocking life event. In this time I had several near death experiences.

I was affected emotionally by these times. My views on life and what is important changed ! My views on people and their true natures changed as well. I could see trues in this world ,which before these events had been hidden from me. At seven years into my illness I couldn't know what might happen to me in the future. I Felt lost and as though I had no direction. As though anything good for me would surely have been left in my past. My photography, my career , my addiction to the gym and fitness itself. I feel into a severe depression. Time passed by an inch at a time. It was slow and my depression was heavy. I wasn't myself and my decisions were of another spirit all together.

At 9 years a change in location brought a much needed more away from bad influences and a turn into a better environment over all. My mind started to clear a bit and all of the sudden I felt inspired again. I came to believe over a long time that these trials of the human spirit and strength of the human machine, are meant to mold us for some thing.

I believe that when Aromatherapy found me it was in stages throughout my illness. Smells found me First in a destructive way during my worst migraines to date. That feeling you get when a migraine is just starting and every smell is strong and awful. It sends you reeling over the edge into migraine hell. Then I discovered Essential Oils through a Chinese Acupuncturist In Pennsylvania. I don't remember the first time I bought Peppermint Essential oil but it changed my life with its healing powers every since. My second friend of pain was Frankincense. Thank goodness.

As I walk my path with this new education into herbal medicine I still am a chronic pain sufferer. I still have horrible days and still get paralyzing pain. I am reminded that my body is still completely right inside this exterior which is trying to move forward with having a “normal life” again. However, I am in a new place mentally and take time to listen to what my body is telling me. I take much more time with myself than I did before. I am quite more often in order to know what I need.

I also am geared toward a goal which is so much more different than the photography which I was once dedicated to. My goals include trying to help others in ways which I needed help and still need help today. This puts me in a unique position and perspective to understand what other peoples bodies might be saying to them. Maybe they don't hear it and maybe I have learned a way of listening which they could benefit from. I do hope so.

I am still that hard-working,dedicated, and pushy girl that I always was and still strive for success it is just that the success I am seeking isn't solely based on the number of dollar bills I am gathering. I Feel successful when someone tells me I am helping them. I Feel successful when the blend I have made is amazing and therapeutically active. I also feel successful when I am eating right, in good shape, treating my body with respect and surrounding myself with good people and healthy things.

I owe my point of view, my success (ALL OF IT) to my husband. He is a man I look up to, respect , and love so very much. He has given me so much all of these years and without his love and support I couldn't have all that I do today in terms of success.

My hierarchy of the definition of success has changed.....

SUCCESS:

• When someone tells me I have helped them.
• A blend is exactly what I meant it to be or better !
• I am feeling good because I am honoring my body.
• I am meditating and keeping myself mentally healthy daily.
• My marriage is healthy and happy
• My friends are part of my life and we are keeping in touch.
• I am earning at least some money to help contribute (not yet but I have hope)

Giving to ourselves the gift of , EXTRA TIME !

Making decisions... 

When I come upon a decision to be made it is a slight bit different than it used to be. I remember a time when there wasn't much to it. 
Do I want to go there, do this, eat this? 

The questions were fairly easily answered through the day and there was very little energy expended or stress put into it all. However, when you are chronically ill or dealing with a very undependable condition in your life there are things that could change at any moment. When I ask myself to make these decisions which at one time seamed simple I become fearful, worried, and I tend to over think them in many ways. 

A good example is traveling. I have an amazing opportunity presenting itself to me right now to go to a seminar and learn more in my trade. It involves much travel by air and time away from home. Because my body doesn't always cooperate and I suffer migraines and severe pain without warning my mind immediately is thinking out the possible scenarios that might take place if I consider going to this event. I think about all the special items I must take a long which involve special diets I must maintain while away, medicines and vitamins which will help me to stay healthy while there. It will include many different things which I will want to make sure to pack and I will start to worry that I might forget something which in the end will be missed. 

I have traveled much in my past. Especially for someone who has a chronic illness. However, this trip means so much to me I would hate for it to be something I would fly far from home to enjoy and pay much money to attend and get all the way there and find that my body isn't playing along. Those of you will chronic conditions know exactly what it feels like to want to make plans and to hold back due to a condition that you have which is unpredictable. 

I find in my life many decisions I am coming upon which are like this. They are not so easily made because of my own body which has become very unpredictable. I remind myself that it is okay to take things slowly and one small step at a time and not to rush ahead. I have small talks with myself and tell myself over again that I do not have to be one in the crowd and take many classes at a time as "they do" in order to get furthering education. I get very excited to move forward with my life. I get sad sometimes that I must pace myself due to "limitations" I now have. However, it is best I remember these limitations and embrace that they are now part of me than to RUSH ahead and regret that I have done so by needing to recover with a massive migraine later for days upon days of suffering. 

Today I am going to take this moment to remind myself  and others out there like me: 
Even though we stress over these types of decisions because there are things about our conditions which are unpredictable .....we must also remember that we CAN still do the things we love and want. By planning ahead and taking our time... We can make a check list to remind ourselves of the things we must take with us on our outings. That way we feel more "put together". 

As much as we want to "run with the crowd" we are special in many ways. We have a perspective that many don't have and we have strength in us that has been finely tuned to deal with our suffering. So, this --added time-- we are going to allow ourselves to prepare to make these decisions, is NOTHING compared to the suffering we have endured. It can be easy if we let it. 

We are going to GIVE ourselves this extra time.....so that we can still HAVE the trips we want. Hopefully we can alleviate some of the stress we associate with making decisions in our lives, due to the uncertainty that our bodies have added in. 

Healthy coping is a VICTORY !

You never know what life is going to through you a loop. Especially when you are a chronic pain or chronic illness patient. For many months now, almost a year, I have been feeling as close to normal as I have been in 9 yrs. All the surgeries that I get to stove off pain were up to date. My medications were as much in balance as I could ask for. 

I had EVEN started upon a new journey in my life with attending school to obtain an education in a new field of interest. One that excites me beyond explanation ! Things were flowing for me in these ways. Even things in my marriage were looking better and finding a balance it seamed. 

Its hard for people to believe me when I tell them that I am ill at these times in my life because I appear fine from the outside. I function seam to be able to drive around and clean my house. I am able to smile again and laugh. They just don't see the me that was when I was stuck in bed and in the bathroom sick with pain. My attitude is optimistic and bright. My personality is a complete 180 degree turn from the person that I am when I am nagged by a day in and day out severe pain which allows nothing but it's attention. 

So, you understand when I say, that I was severely thrown off course when a few months ago my surgeries wore down and I was taken off guard by the monster that had so long been dormant. It came back with a vengeance. The strength of it's grasp was so strong on my once again and I had forgotten so many of my wonderful coping skills that I just folded emotionally under it's weight. I became a person I have a foggy memory of from long ago when my illness began. At the beginning, of course, we had no handle on what was happening with my body so there was no understanding between it and myself. At least this time when it came back, after the initial shock, I took into hand once again to find and reconnect with healthy coping mechanisms once again so that I may deal with the pain in my life. 

I have learned so much about being strong and having patience from pain. There are times in our suffering and sadness when we wish it would all just go away NOW. It is this instant relief that we are searching for in a pill and sometimes many of us chronic sufferers are looking for it through self-medication (alcohol, drugs..). Who can blame anyone for wishing for it's end. 

However, there is something to be said even in this instance about cherishing the journey and not rushing to the outcome. We as humans have no choice but to take the path of living our lives if we so choose to do it the natural way. Each sensation is showing us something -- teaching us something along the way. 

So, with this said, at times of severe suffering  I am able to close my eyes and breath and know I am alive. I am able to remember that every thing in life is temporary and that this will not last. Tomorrow will come and it will be different. This moment will never come again and will only be this moment for right now. In this I take comfort. I choose to allow my senses in that moment be distracted if I am able. I say "if I am able" because sometimes the pain is too severe for this type of distraction. However, sometimes a subtle scent of essential oils will focus my mind and something rough to the touch or soft or textural in some way will distract my hands...and with these sense tools I am able to meditate. I can bring my mind to these things and bring it away from the pain in my nerves. I can bring my mind to my breath and in-hail a pleasant blend and it will trigger a feeling--- that feeling with redirect my brain. This technique doesn't fix my pain but it lifts my spirit and helps me cope with a huge challenge. Coping in a healthy way, in itself, is a VICTORY.  

A New Year - A New Chapter to my story.....

2014-- is here. Looking back over the year it was a tough one just like the one before. 2013 had many challenges for me. Both physical and mental.

Finding doctors is always hard in a new city. Here in az is no exception. The year before it was WI and searching lead to some really great medical care there. However, here in AZ it has been a bit more involved. I have gone through several psychiatrist just because their offices keep closing and now I am frustrated with the new one I have found because I am not sure they are the place for me.

Before Chronic pain I wouldn't have worried so much about the mental health care I was getting but with being in pain daily I absolutely must keep on top of my mood and make sure I am not falling into negative thinking. It causes me pain and more struggle to do so.

So, I continue with this challenge of getting my mental health in order along with finding a new Neurologist, Dentist....and so on.

What I see for this new "chapter" of my life is that I will for the first time in 9 years take steps toward my future career again. I don't see my career the same way as I once did. I have chosen YOGA and a healing path so that I may keep my health in check and at the same time help others who are ill or struggling.

I will start a yoga therapy program at Southwest Institute of Healing Arts end of January. Starting with Aromatherapy. I am both scared and excited at this change in my life. I think often that I might not be able to handle it and might end up having to (once again) give it up and try something else. What I have this time is a back up plan. If I am not well enough to actually do the yoga part of the training herbal-ism and aromatherapy very much interests me. Whats great about this school is they offer all of that.

How did I come to the realization that YOGA was something I wanted to DO. Well, I gotta tell ya, over the last many many years of being ill i wasn't drawn toward anything. Nothing at all. I have been down about so many things i have lost the ability to do. My husband asks me over and over what I will do with my life and he so badly wants to see me doing more than just lay on the couch in pain. I gotta say so do I. Thing is there was this barrier to doing something....to making that decision of what it might be. Well, because it had to be possible...physically and mentally possible for me. I was feeling pretty weak and incapable.

I added yoga back into my life about a year ago and found myself getting stronger and more focused and feeling more drawn toward it than ever. It brought something for me in terms of physical healing and also mental focus. Unfortunately, the migraine and pain meds I am on create quite a fog. It makes it very hard to think straight about anything. It actually became so hard for me to think that I choose not to.

I addressed this problem with a doctor I see here and he was just wonderful and my savoir. He said that "it is no way to live feeling in a fog" . he gave me medication to help me focus and even though I was reluctant to add anymore meds to my routine I did and am so thankful. I have regained my art again and reading again. I haven't read in 9 yrs. Not articles...not books ....nothing. Now I read all the time so that I can learn. and I LOVE IT.

So, I began my second journey with yoga in about May 2013. My first journey with Yoga was years ago before I was sick. From '98 to about 2004 I enjoyed studying at a gym. That type of yoga was more about fitness and only fitness. This new path I am taking is more than that.

This yoga journey is about a total ME. spiritual as well as physical.

I will post more as it comes to me. .......

Pain's progression to the "ZONE OUT"....

                                     Sometimes it is ongoing and unrelenting pain that makes me calm. I can't believe I am saying this at all because it really drives me crazy and into depression much of the time. However, what I mean is that I become numb. I feel so very much that I just can't "feel" anymore. So, it is like my brain just goes into this strange state where I just stare ahead and think about nothing and feel nothing. I "ZONE OUT". 

When this happens I realize that so many things in our lives that we are worried about aren't important at all. So many things in our lives that we think are "painful" aren't. Now, pain, is perceived. So, I can't judge someones pain. I only know what a , we will say, needle in my finger tip feels like. That needle might feel more or less to someone else. 

What happens to me as I become exposed to pain on a daily, ongoing basis? 

Firstly I go into shock I think and become afraid of doing things that exacerbate that pain. I limit my activities almost too much because of my fear. 

Second, at first I become beat down by it. I let myself be tired and miserable. I allow myself to be saddened by it all the time and go into hibernation from life. 

Then, my body adjusts to pain every day and all day and non-relenting. It becomes "normal" and the smallest of sufferings in my life seam insignificant in comparison. A painful event that might scare the average person doesn't scare me. Just the opposite, I see it as an opportunity to feel pain in other areas that aren't my neck, head and shoulders. 

Maybe this is why I am drawn toward body piercings and tattoos. Some of them are beautiful , yes, but what is real to me is the "pain therapy". The tattoos have more of a significance than the piercings. They are more than "pain therapy". Although they start that way. Then they become something lasting and unchanging. Something constant in an ever-changing world. Even the theory of impermanence applies to tattoos because they do eventually fade and discolor. However the general structure is there as a comfort to me. Something is stable.

Also, there is coping. I have developed coping tools. Meditation is one and listening to calm music is another, talking to a friend or family member helps. I am sure there are others that might not be so positive coping mechanisms as well like eating...snacking to comfort myself. ....etc.

Now, to what I have started today thinking about.... The "ZONE OUT" moment. Its like my brain and body disconnect from its environment.  I am literally unable to think at all.  I can't move or feel or even sleep. Just stare...................................................................... 

What is that? What is that about? 

I am thankful today.

When I finally have a GOOD day with less pain and less struggle I forget to say thanks. I forget to be mindful. Only when things are really bad and I am in unreal pain do I think to be mindful.

Today I am going to remember to be mindful. I am going to remember to say to you all how thankful I am for a "good day". I felt well enough to jog and well enough to travel. Travel more than anything. I have such a hard time driving. I get very sick and feel very much pain. A trip that to an average person might be no problem....a short, simple trip of 30 min can put me in bed for a day. Not today so far. ......(knock on wood)   . I drove to a store and spent all the time I wanted there walking and looking. Florescent lights are another really bad trigger for pain and migraine for me....yes I was in florescent lighting too. I am happy to report so far .....nothing. Well, something.....just no migraine. OH YEAH.

So, this post is just to say that I am thankful. I am more than thankful. I am doing as a friend pointed out to me earlier in a message to me. I am being grateful and thankful. Thanks, friend, for reminding me what is important and what NOT to dwell on.

Love.

Tell me about your pain please?

Today I am posting about pain. Pure pain. What does it do to you? I want to hear how pain affects you? 

I am tired of hearing about my own troubles and, I am sure you know what i mean when I say, I am sick of hearing myself wine and complain about my own pain. 

Even with that said....two things today: I want to hear about your pain. Whats it like?   How does it limit your life?   How do you accommodate for it? Do you put limitations on yourself to make it better? 

So, with those question out there and I DO hope you respond.....I need to vent. 

The last week has been more than hard. I have been in severe pain. My Risotomy has worn off and that was about a month ago that the pain came back. Now the pain is even stronger due to the lack of this procedure (for those of you who don't know a Risotomy blocks the nerves from sending pain signals to my brain- --it brings great relief for me and stops the need for narcotics as much. 

With the loss of this procedure I am feeling the at least 75 percent of the pain I felt originally when I first got sick with nerve damage, muscles spasms and daily migraines. I have had a migraine every day for a week now. No amount of Imitrex is kick'in that bad boy. So, I am trying everything. I am trying all my old time remedies that I once had some relief from. Peppermint oil on my temples, ice packs, heat on my back, Chinese tea balls for inflammation. 

Mostly thought it has me thinking about how my whole process of thinking changes during my painful times. I become easily irritated and can't think straight. Ask me a question and I can't process it. My mind feels like fuzz. After about a week of severe muscle spasms in my shoulders and neck the pain is trickling down my back and into my arms. The worse part of this is that I am stuck at home. Suck in my house when it is so beautiful out. The light bothers me, sounds bother me, and if I would need to head to get groceries (which I do) I know for a fact that when I come back I will have a full force migraine and possible vomiting involved. (caused by florescent lights and lifting grocery bags) 

Yes, I am tired. I am worn down. I am more than anything and surprisingly so, ANGRY! I am mad as hell. I am mad that I have to be this way. I want so badly to get things done here at the house and do things that I know are needed right now. (with a new house there are many of those). 

I find myself being angry with the fact that I want to loose weight and feel better and so I have changed diet and change my exercise plan. My plan only works for me when I am "able". This angers and frustrates me. I get to my goals very slowly. I am impatient. If I think about it I find myself saying awful things in my mind about myself. How much fat I have to loose or how I am "STILL" not a size smaller that I wish for. I must have better control of my thoughts. This I know..................

Your body hears everything your mind says.
Naomi Judd 
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_health.html#AjTjQZOSkz6fef17.99 

I am trying very hard to put my anger into perspective about my predicament. What good will it do me. my anger poisons me and doesn't allow me to heal or meditate or move forward. It does nothing for me at all. 

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
Buddha 
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_anger.html#DlivVHSTXOY3M6QK.99 

Do you understand me? Do you have a story to share? Maybe you need to hear these things just as much as I do. Maybe you need to let go of your anger about your pain and maybe you and I together can cope in a more healthy way. 

_______________________________________________________________________

I strive toward "nirvâna", the absence of suffering, true peace. I hope for inner strength for my mind and for my body. I continue to push forward even though from where I sit at times it seams impossible. 

who I was and where I am headed

THe women I was before the pain was amazing. I took her for granted and never acknowledged her success in life. I am taking a moment to remember all her amazing doings. She was a professional photographer just as she planned. She was a force of woman-power in a male dominated field. People knew her name when they were thinking of amazing and moving portraiture. They thought of her for their weddings and passed her name along to their friends and family. She made art that captivated her colleagues.

Her dedication to her physical health was commendable. She went to the gym every day and made sure to eat the right nutrition. She was a jogger and missing that I look back to times I felt that amazing high after completing the goal.

Her happiness was true. It showed her contentment with being independent and with a for-filling career it was the way life was supposed to be. Not to say there weren't hard times and sadness to show her how great it was to be happy.

That women is someone now that I see as having been one life. Reborn as I am with challanges that never imagined having at such a young age I am forced to seperate myself from her in many ways. It was me but when I tell people about it ....it doesn't feel connected to who I am now. I want to take pride in the things I did but they are so far away that I am feeling like it is time to make some new things to be proud of. It might NOT be my career and it won't be the physically strong women I was then....However, it will be based on things I find to be for filling now. I am on the hunt for these things.  Some I am trying on for size are my Photographs, paintings and house decor in my own home. These things set me in a good way. Then slowly but surely I am changing my definition of physically fit. I am starting with the inside this time. Good, quality food first and then with less pain more stretching and faster walks till one day hopefully i will be jogging a bit agian.

With this celebration of--- who I was and where I am headed--- I leave you.

The mind is a powerful thing.

The mind is a powerful thing. The body follows the mind. I have learned this through personal experience. If my body hurts and I let it get me mentally down then I tend to lean and move toward a dark and unhappy place. If I turn toward tools of the mind like meditation and pleasant music, walks in the park, good smelling candles...etc...my mood is lifted and many times brings with it less pain.

If you set your mind in a certain mode. A mode of healing and utilize mindful exercises the journey is manageable and upward mobile. Think what could be done for ourselves if we practice everyday and if we implemented this into our daily tasks and lives. My daily activities area challenging and might take more energy than for most. However, I realize I am not using all my tools in my mental tool box to help my physical self cope with pain and struggle. IF....i did ...maybe...i'd see a change that might just whip me off my feet.

Food for thought.

Taking things in parts.

When all seams like it is calm and I feel that nothing can touch me-- I'm wrong. IT seams that no matter where I go depression and frustration follow. It starts with me wanting to do "normal" things like unpack boxes or decorate my house. Then after only one box or one hanged framed piece I am in so much pain I must lay. I can't move. I close my eyes and try to block the pain out with meditation. My breath is even and the sun is shining. However, the pain is still there and no amount of calming is turning it away.

The skies are clear every day here. No clouds and no rain. It is cheery and amazing. Yet, here I am feeling physically rotten. Then pain brings a  mental struggle. Sadness over not being able to handle the smallest thing. Frustration over my broken body. Wits end over nothing alleviating the pain. I've done all I know to naturally work my bodies own strengths and gray matter for it's own good. Then, I turn to pain pills and anxiety meds and lastly to sleep. Sometimes there is nothing like sleep to heal the hurt. (be it physical and sometimes mental - or both.)

The part I am wanting is happiness again. I want to push past all this pain and all this sadness toward something good in my life . It is the first time in a long while that even while in pain everyday, I want to go back to school and learn again making a new life for myself. The plan:  I am able to incorporate my pain and manage it. I can do what I am wanting to do and move forward but at a pace that is my own.

This is something I have been working on for 8 years, What I mean is "figuring out my own and healthy pace". That pace refers to life...it refers to housecleaning and pretty much everything. It's taken me 8 years to slow my self down to do my laundry in increments and I intend on dissecting everything that way in my future to MAKE it happen. On that positive note.....It is hard to change....but if one wants to learn (and I do) anything is possible.

My zen meditation garden needed STAT.

I feel like I was preyed upon by an emotional vampire. I have heard of such people and always thought the term was interesting but never really understood it's connotation. My significant other, only not by choice, is one of them. HIs problems take center stage even when mine are serious and even when I am hurting and need him more than usual. It breaks my heart that I am there for his every day drama and emergencies because of his ongoing dependance on me but when push comes to shove he always has something more important to attend to and even when i need his help he is unaware. Now that I have said this because it is what I am dealing with today, as of right now, that is a challenge when dealing with his mental illness..I must go on to tell you the unbelievable stressers that have come my way in the last week.

The last post dealt with my family and my sisters visit and the realization that my mother has no way to act when she needs help. She is paralyzed with her own fears and insecurities with who she is.

Just a week ago she was having physical episodes that seam to take form of both anxiety related attacks and also seizures and muscle and nerve action. All of which me and my sisters suffer from as well. Things progressively got worse and she was in bad shape. My sister, who lives with her, wanted to take her in to the ER to get treatment but thought she wasn't the one to make that call since my father is there to take care of his wife. However, he is off in his own world and very non-observant these days. He wasn't noticing how serious things had gotten over the course of a week. It is scary what could have happened if he hadn't finally noticed she was paralyzed on the couch having a seizure one night. What really blows my mind is she was having them for days. She has had them before and he was in such denial about the whole thing that he just.....well....didn't notice.
Here I am 12 hours away dealing with my significant other whom is sick from trying to get his mind under control with different medications. He isn't doing well with the transitions at all and no one. Not even his parents understand the severity of his situation. I live in fear still every day that I will come home and find him dead somewhere in this house.  His decisions are just so unpredictable. Not suicidal but you never know about another day.
Today he is withdrawn and pensive and usually this isn't good. Told me he just wanted to have some time alone so I am tyring to honor that.
 Why must every situation right now be so wrapped up in emotions and so unsettling. I want to be sitting in my zen garden listening to my deer chaser fountain with the wind blowing through the cherry blossom trees as I meditate. My breath going in and out and my body letting down its tensions. My mind letting go of its whirling thoughts.

emotional pain= physical pain= anger and more pain

A realization hit me as I visited with my sisters the other day. That some of my pain and health problems comes from problems i didn't even know we had in our family. Things that have been around my whole life that are emotional hurdles dealing with acceptance and letting go.

THere are so many other challenges that I have watched beat down my family because it wasn't possible for my Mom to help herself. I needed to count on her but she was suffering and unable to move to assist herself and therefore unable to help us as children.

Still to this day my mother is not strong enough to help herself by asking for assistance with hard emotional situations or even physical things that she is unable to do alone. She takes on so much and burns herself in to a melted puddle. She is emotionally strung out pretty much all the time. I watch her break down and deal with depression by hiding in a room from it and turning to the same remedies that have failed her over and over. She is paralyzing herself. Unwilling to change and accept change she will go out this way too if she doesn't take action for herself soon. This is actually something I see more clearly after hearing one of my sisters view on the situation. Another view always helps.

Being around my sisters and seeing how much of that helplessness has been passed to us is hurtful and almost impossible to watch. I see the inability to deal with emotional trauma and the transference of emotional pain into physical pain. All of us struggling to learn new coping techniques to deal with our lives because what we watched was self distraction. It wasn't healthy and isn't something we want to follow in.

It certainly wasn't something my mother tried to do or pass on. It was and is how she is and however she must have learned to deal with her problems and stresses. However, even though I feel love and worry for her I also feel anger and resentment. I feel a lot of anger about a lot of things anymore.

I am concerned about my husband and the way I express it to him is in an angry tone. I express most of my concern for my loved ones in an angry way. I am frustrated for not knowing how to help them and so I am angry and I am frustrated in not knowing how to help myself and for that I am angry too.

I want and need to dispel this anger and would like to learn how.