LETS TALK ABOUT WHERE THE YOGA BEGINS.

BUT I can't do yoga "again" ! Yes I actually said this. Me, a yogi who knows full well that yoga isn't just about the physical practice and that the science of yoga encompasses more than I could share with you here in this typed bit. My mind is blown the more and more I educate myself on what yoga really is. What it has to offer us and WHAT IT REEEAAALY IS! !

However, yes I said it to my doctor as he explained to me that I would need to go through a 4th spinal surgery the other day. So, here is the deal ya'll. A bit of background about my journey.

I went into a Yoga Teacher Training program about 2 years ago. I want into it after having had a spinal implant put in for pain management. I have always loved yoga and it therapeutically has been amazing for my muscle spasms and pain. It has done wonders for my depression, anxiety and over all health. However, once I was ready to head into this program after healing from an intense spinal surgery which gave me a CYBROG type implant to help control my pain I was blown away by the philosophy of yoga and MORE.

I had drank the coo-laid guys. I went to Teacher Training two nights a week for 3 hours per night. Plus extra classes outside that were required at the studio AND I had a daily practice which I created fro myself. I was immersed in yoga and it felt AMAZING!

SOMETHING happend to me and I started to change. My body was changing but so was my mind, my perspective, my heart. As my body opened up and awakened so did my mind and I even found a soul in there somewhere. I have never been "spiritual" but there in that room full of like-minded yogis I felt connection. I was blissed out all the time and feeling JOY......no reason. JUST JOY, contentment and first the first time happiness inside myself.

I became totally okay with silence and craved it. My body was strong and the more yoga asana (movement) I practiced the more my body wanted and the less pain and suffering I was feeling. I was focused in a way I had never been in my life. I couldn't wait to share what I felt with the world.

BUT WAIT!  ! !

I wanted to share what I was feeling with the world.....now that is the hard thing to explain to you. When people of the world come to a "yoga class" they are mostly coming to "work out". They might enjoy the tid bit of philosophy or little wisdom I share with them but they are NOT coming there to search deeply into themselves and go through a massive self-transformation. RIGHT?

I get it. I do.

So, I just have to say, when I found yoga .....when I REALLY FOUND IT, that is what I found. I found amazing connection with a self inside me that I didn't even know was there. I found NEW perspective, and new eyes. Also, there was this amazing strong , loving person looking back at me that I never thought was in there too. She had abilities I never thought possible with my physical limitations. I learned to honor and respect my limitations and through that I have been accomplishing more than I ever dreamed , including a sense of peace I never dreamed of.

WITH ALL THAT SAID!

This brings us to today.......just had another surgery a few weeks ago....and no asana for me for 6 weeks. THAT IS hard for me. Yoga movement for me is a moving meditation that I practice every day. Connection to my breath and the movements of my "broken" body allows me to move past all that is hurting and painful there and creates less pain and less obstacles for me. With each surgery I have taken time each day to move my hands....connect with breath, self and meditate. This has been crucial. THIS IS YOGA.

I keep saying this to myself. THIS IS YOGA. I know this in my heart as I know that "stilling the fluctuations of the mind" is also yoga. The movements of yoga is only one path to this.

Just after 2 weeks from this 3rd surgery they told me it didn't take and I would need to go back in for another, more aggressive spinal surgery. UT OH! No asana again?

Not just no ASANA, no jogging and in bed totally for 2 weeks. No movement for me, in general is rough. LOL

LETS TALK ABOUT WHERE THE YOGA BEGINS.
RIGHT NOW ! !

So, my mentors have talked to me about this giving me unbelievable support. AND they are right. My mind goes off on all my worries of what "no asana" will do to my body and how long it will take me to gain back what I have worked so hard to gain physically. However, I CAN NEVER LOOSE, what I have gained mentally. I have gained a site that I will never unsee.

I CAN BREATH, I CAN DO YOGA. I CAN MOVE MY FINGERS- TOES....i can do yoga.

HECK YA.....I am here to tell you that I can do yoga every day . I am aware and present in the here and now about my feelings about my asana practice and that my dearest friends is me working it out with myself. This is my yoga.

This struggle is real for this YOGINI.

I can't wait to FLOW through SURYA NAMASKARA again but until that day I am here learning mudras, nidra and practicing restraint to honor the healing that must take place. KNOW that it is NOT easy. However, I honor this path and accept it.

~Namaste~
Yogini Opa

You don't look"Disabled"...

Can you see inside? 

You look at me and you see an able person. I look "fine to you" and you hear the words "I am a Yogi" and you see this twisted pretzel of a person standing in a handstand or on one arm, all muscle and just smiling. Then you ask me what I do and I reluctantly let you know that I have been disabled for about 11 years now. You hear the word "disabled" and you see the symbol of a wheel chair that is on that blue disability tag that is painted in that parking spot in front of your local super market. You look at me and don't see any physical deformity, you see no wheel chair or blood huge marks or scars on my body. You see me walking (that particular day) perfectly fine. 

WHAT YOU DON'T SEE...or even consider is the inside workings of the human body. Do you know that all my bones, organs, brain...etc is fully functional. Why don't you consider this part of the human machine and that it might be in severe mal-function? 

Immediately I am a liar and can't possibly be sick enough to be "disabled". I am functioning fine this particular day and so I am NOT "sick enough" by your judgement. 

You didn't see me yesterday as I crawled on hands and knees from my bed to the bathroom in mind-numbing pain to vomit over and over. You didn't see me as I cried my eyes out because no injection or narcotic was strong enough to kill the pain of my deformed spine and nerve damage caused by this condition. You don't know all the side effects and repercussions that chronically ill patients have to suffer from their medications. The way I grasp at my painful intestines and cry because they don't function properly anymore. Can't think straight enough some days to make regular, every day decisions because of the brain fog that has clouded my mind. All of this now cloaking my emotions in depression and sadness at my lowest times. 

I spend more than half my life at multiple doctor's offices managing a blood disease. CAN YOU SEE that from where you sit? Can you see other people's (and my) nerves on my exterior to know that we are not broken inside? The answer is, NO. You can't know what a chronically ill person goes through when they are having a "bad day". Some chronic illnesses leave you with good days, and bad days. YES.....we chronically ill want to embrace every single good moment. When our body is functioning at it's best we went to take walks and hikes and whatever we can embrace to to that day. We WANT TO SMILE ! 

MY GOODNESS....we want to appear and be as "average and normal" as we can that day. Those other days which are so challenging for us and for people like me, so painful, that we want to REALLY LIVE....REALLY HOLD ON to those GOOD DAYS ! 

Still, this label of "disabled" apply's to myself and others like me. There are whole months worth of time when I am stuck in my house. Sometimes confined to my bed even. You---as an onlooker wouldn't know that by seeing me on a "good day". 

Please, rethink what you know about a "disabled" person or any person for that matter. Please don't judge someone's suffering. You can't possibly quantify their pain or distress. Perception and view point is everything in our lives. Be compassionate......and know that there is usually more under the surface than you see in everyone's outer shell. 

13 REASONS WHY "YOU DON'T LOOK SICK/DISABLED" IS NOT A COMPLIMENT ! 

disableism:

soooyeahanyway:

1. I am ill and I am disabled, and this is what I look like.
2. What do you THINK disabled or ill people look like?
3. It makes it sound like you think disabled people “should” look a bit gross or a bit wierd.
4. It makes it sound like I have to prove my illness to you.
5. It creates a hierarchy of what one ableist acquaintence called, “Like, you know. Disabled-disabled and normal people disabled. Like, you’re disabled but you’re also normal. You’re disabled but you’re also not really disabled because you’re also like us.” That is not okay.
6. It makes it sound like if I did “look disabled” then you’d either think less of me or you’d believe me more.
7. For the same reasons you shouldn’t say to someone, “You don’t look Jewish!”
8. For the same reasons you shouldn’t say to someone, “You don’t sound black!”
9. It often sets the conversation up in a way where you are the judge and you can either validate or invalidate my disability and how much it affects me.
10. Neither my illnesses nor my disabilities are totally invisible if you took the time to learn about them and decided to pay attention.
11. It makes you sound untrustworthy. It makes me think you’re going to be the kind of person that will jump to conclusions about my health if I don’t look or act in certain stereotypical ways. Can I laugh and have a good time around you without you implying I’m cured or dismissing my conditions? (Because it really sucks when you do that.)
12. It feels really dismissive and discouraging.
13. It is dehumanizing. 15% of the world’s population is disabled. We come in more shapes and sizes than able-bodied people do. Whatever a disabled or ill person looks like, that is what disabled and ill people look like regardless of your preconceptions.

As a person who is extremely visibly physically disabled, hearing someone say this to a fellow spoonie with a invisible illness cuts me to the bone. As stated above, it makes me feel like you think I am less than. It makes me feel like you think people who look disabled are ugly, therefore I am ugly. You must think so much less of me than you do this person who ‘doesn’t look disabled’. This is an insult and invalidating to all people with disabilities.

Source:
http://thischroniclife.tumblr.com/post/121574535999/13-reasons-why-you-dont-look-sick-disabled-is

Giving to ourselves the gift of , EXTRA TIME !

Making decisions... 

When I come upon a decision to be made it is a slight bit different than it used to be. I remember a time when there wasn't much to it. 
Do I want to go there, do this, eat this? 

The questions were fairly easily answered through the day and there was very little energy expended or stress put into it all. However, when you are chronically ill or dealing with a very undependable condition in your life there are things that could change at any moment. When I ask myself to make these decisions which at one time seamed simple I become fearful, worried, and I tend to over think them in many ways. 

A good example is traveling. I have an amazing opportunity presenting itself to me right now to go to a seminar and learn more in my trade. It involves much travel by air and time away from home. Because my body doesn't always cooperate and I suffer migraines and severe pain without warning my mind immediately is thinking out the possible scenarios that might take place if I consider going to this event. I think about all the special items I must take a long which involve special diets I must maintain while away, medicines and vitamins which will help me to stay healthy while there. It will include many different things which I will want to make sure to pack and I will start to worry that I might forget something which in the end will be missed. 

I have traveled much in my past. Especially for someone who has a chronic illness. However, this trip means so much to me I would hate for it to be something I would fly far from home to enjoy and pay much money to attend and get all the way there and find that my body isn't playing along. Those of you will chronic conditions know exactly what it feels like to want to make plans and to hold back due to a condition that you have which is unpredictable. 

I find in my life many decisions I am coming upon which are like this. They are not so easily made because of my own body which has become very unpredictable. I remind myself that it is okay to take things slowly and one small step at a time and not to rush ahead. I have small talks with myself and tell myself over again that I do not have to be one in the crowd and take many classes at a time as "they do" in order to get furthering education. I get very excited to move forward with my life. I get sad sometimes that I must pace myself due to "limitations" I now have. However, it is best I remember these limitations and embrace that they are now part of me than to RUSH ahead and regret that I have done so by needing to recover with a massive migraine later for days upon days of suffering. 

Today I am going to take this moment to remind myself  and others out there like me: 
Even though we stress over these types of decisions because there are things about our conditions which are unpredictable .....we must also remember that we CAN still do the things we love and want. By planning ahead and taking our time... We can make a check list to remind ourselves of the things we must take with us on our outings. That way we feel more "put together". 

As much as we want to "run with the crowd" we are special in many ways. We have a perspective that many don't have and we have strength in us that has been finely tuned to deal with our suffering. So, this --added time-- we are going to allow ourselves to prepare to make these decisions, is NOTHING compared to the suffering we have endured. It can be easy if we let it. 

We are going to GIVE ourselves this extra time.....so that we can still HAVE the trips we want. Hopefully we can alleviate some of the stress we associate with making decisions in our lives, due to the uncertainty that our bodies have added in. 

Healthy coping is a VICTORY !

You never know what life is going to through you a loop. Especially when you are a chronic pain or chronic illness patient. For many months now, almost a year, I have been feeling as close to normal as I have been in 9 yrs. All the surgeries that I get to stove off pain were up to date. My medications were as much in balance as I could ask for. 

I had EVEN started upon a new journey in my life with attending school to obtain an education in a new field of interest. One that excites me beyond explanation ! Things were flowing for me in these ways. Even things in my marriage were looking better and finding a balance it seamed. 

Its hard for people to believe me when I tell them that I am ill at these times in my life because I appear fine from the outside. I function seam to be able to drive around and clean my house. I am able to smile again and laugh. They just don't see the me that was when I was stuck in bed and in the bathroom sick with pain. My attitude is optimistic and bright. My personality is a complete 180 degree turn from the person that I am when I am nagged by a day in and day out severe pain which allows nothing but it's attention. 

So, you understand when I say, that I was severely thrown off course when a few months ago my surgeries wore down and I was taken off guard by the monster that had so long been dormant. It came back with a vengeance. The strength of it's grasp was so strong on my once again and I had forgotten so many of my wonderful coping skills that I just folded emotionally under it's weight. I became a person I have a foggy memory of from long ago when my illness began. At the beginning, of course, we had no handle on what was happening with my body so there was no understanding between it and myself. At least this time when it came back, after the initial shock, I took into hand once again to find and reconnect with healthy coping mechanisms once again so that I may deal with the pain in my life. 

I have learned so much about being strong and having patience from pain. There are times in our suffering and sadness when we wish it would all just go away NOW. It is this instant relief that we are searching for in a pill and sometimes many of us chronic sufferers are looking for it through self-medication (alcohol, drugs..). Who can blame anyone for wishing for it's end. 

However, there is something to be said even in this instance about cherishing the journey and not rushing to the outcome. We as humans have no choice but to take the path of living our lives if we so choose to do it the natural way. Each sensation is showing us something -- teaching us something along the way. 

So, with this said, at times of severe suffering  I am able to close my eyes and breath and know I am alive. I am able to remember that every thing in life is temporary and that this will not last. Tomorrow will come and it will be different. This moment will never come again and will only be this moment for right now. In this I take comfort. I choose to allow my senses in that moment be distracted if I am able. I say "if I am able" because sometimes the pain is too severe for this type of distraction. However, sometimes a subtle scent of essential oils will focus my mind and something rough to the touch or soft or textural in some way will distract my hands...and with these sense tools I am able to meditate. I can bring my mind to these things and bring it away from the pain in my nerves. I can bring my mind to my breath and in-hail a pleasant blend and it will trigger a feeling--- that feeling with redirect my brain. This technique doesn't fix my pain but it lifts my spirit and helps me cope with a huge challenge. Coping in a healthy way, in itself, is a VICTORY.  

A New Year - A New Chapter to my story.....

2014-- is here. Looking back over the year it was a tough one just like the one before. 2013 had many challenges for me. Both physical and mental.

Finding doctors is always hard in a new city. Here in az is no exception. The year before it was WI and searching lead to some really great medical care there. However, here in AZ it has been a bit more involved. I have gone through several psychiatrist just because their offices keep closing and now I am frustrated with the new one I have found because I am not sure they are the place for me.

Before Chronic pain I wouldn't have worried so much about the mental health care I was getting but with being in pain daily I absolutely must keep on top of my mood and make sure I am not falling into negative thinking. It causes me pain and more struggle to do so.

So, I continue with this challenge of getting my mental health in order along with finding a new Neurologist, Dentist....and so on.

What I see for this new "chapter" of my life is that I will for the first time in 9 years take steps toward my future career again. I don't see my career the same way as I once did. I have chosen YOGA and a healing path so that I may keep my health in check and at the same time help others who are ill or struggling.

I will start a yoga therapy program at Southwest Institute of Healing Arts end of January. Starting with Aromatherapy. I am both scared and excited at this change in my life. I think often that I might not be able to handle it and might end up having to (once again) give it up and try something else. What I have this time is a back up plan. If I am not well enough to actually do the yoga part of the training herbal-ism and aromatherapy very much interests me. Whats great about this school is they offer all of that.

How did I come to the realization that YOGA was something I wanted to DO. Well, I gotta tell ya, over the last many many years of being ill i wasn't drawn toward anything. Nothing at all. I have been down about so many things i have lost the ability to do. My husband asks me over and over what I will do with my life and he so badly wants to see me doing more than just lay on the couch in pain. I gotta say so do I. Thing is there was this barrier to doing something....to making that decision of what it might be. Well, because it had to be possible...physically and mentally possible for me. I was feeling pretty weak and incapable.

I added yoga back into my life about a year ago and found myself getting stronger and more focused and feeling more drawn toward it than ever. It brought something for me in terms of physical healing and also mental focus. Unfortunately, the migraine and pain meds I am on create quite a fog. It makes it very hard to think straight about anything. It actually became so hard for me to think that I choose not to.

I addressed this problem with a doctor I see here and he was just wonderful and my savoir. He said that "it is no way to live feeling in a fog" . he gave me medication to help me focus and even though I was reluctant to add anymore meds to my routine I did and am so thankful. I have regained my art again and reading again. I haven't read in 9 yrs. Not articles...not books ....nothing. Now I read all the time so that I can learn. and I LOVE IT.

So, I began my second journey with yoga in about May 2013. My first journey with Yoga was years ago before I was sick. From '98 to about 2004 I enjoyed studying at a gym. That type of yoga was more about fitness and only fitness. This new path I am taking is more than that.

This yoga journey is about a total ME. spiritual as well as physical.

I will post more as it comes to me. .......

Pain's progression to the "ZONE OUT"....

                                     Sometimes it is ongoing and unrelenting pain that makes me calm. I can't believe I am saying this at all because it really drives me crazy and into depression much of the time. However, what I mean is that I become numb. I feel so very much that I just can't "feel" anymore. So, it is like my brain just goes into this strange state where I just stare ahead and think about nothing and feel nothing. I "ZONE OUT". 

When this happens I realize that so many things in our lives that we are worried about aren't important at all. So many things in our lives that we think are "painful" aren't. Now, pain, is perceived. So, I can't judge someones pain. I only know what a , we will say, needle in my finger tip feels like. That needle might feel more or less to someone else. 

What happens to me as I become exposed to pain on a daily, ongoing basis? 

Firstly I go into shock I think and become afraid of doing things that exacerbate that pain. I limit my activities almost too much because of my fear. 

Second, at first I become beat down by it. I let myself be tired and miserable. I allow myself to be saddened by it all the time and go into hibernation from life. 

Then, my body adjusts to pain every day and all day and non-relenting. It becomes "normal" and the smallest of sufferings in my life seam insignificant in comparison. A painful event that might scare the average person doesn't scare me. Just the opposite, I see it as an opportunity to feel pain in other areas that aren't my neck, head and shoulders. 

Maybe this is why I am drawn toward body piercings and tattoos. Some of them are beautiful , yes, but what is real to me is the "pain therapy". The tattoos have more of a significance than the piercings. They are more than "pain therapy". Although they start that way. Then they become something lasting and unchanging. Something constant in an ever-changing world. Even the theory of impermanence applies to tattoos because they do eventually fade and discolor. However the general structure is there as a comfort to me. Something is stable.

Also, there is coping. I have developed coping tools. Meditation is one and listening to calm music is another, talking to a friend or family member helps. I am sure there are others that might not be so positive coping mechanisms as well like eating...snacking to comfort myself. ....etc.

Now, to what I have started today thinking about.... The "ZONE OUT" moment. Its like my brain and body disconnect from its environment.  I am literally unable to think at all.  I can't move or feel or even sleep. Just stare...................................................................... 

What is that? What is that about? 

I am thankful today.

When I finally have a GOOD day with less pain and less struggle I forget to say thanks. I forget to be mindful. Only when things are really bad and I am in unreal pain do I think to be mindful.

Today I am going to remember to be mindful. I am going to remember to say to you all how thankful I am for a "good day". I felt well enough to jog and well enough to travel. Travel more than anything. I have such a hard time driving. I get very sick and feel very much pain. A trip that to an average person might be no problem....a short, simple trip of 30 min can put me in bed for a day. Not today so far. ......(knock on wood)   . I drove to a store and spent all the time I wanted there walking and looking. Florescent lights are another really bad trigger for pain and migraine for me....yes I was in florescent lighting too. I am happy to report so far .....nothing. Well, something.....just no migraine. OH YEAH.

So, this post is just to say that I am thankful. I am more than thankful. I am doing as a friend pointed out to me earlier in a message to me. I am being grateful and thankful. Thanks, friend, for reminding me what is important and what NOT to dwell on.

Love.

Tell me about your pain please?

Today I am posting about pain. Pure pain. What does it do to you? I want to hear how pain affects you? 

I am tired of hearing about my own troubles and, I am sure you know what i mean when I say, I am sick of hearing myself wine and complain about my own pain. 

Even with that said....two things today: I want to hear about your pain. Whats it like?   How does it limit your life?   How do you accommodate for it? Do you put limitations on yourself to make it better? 

So, with those question out there and I DO hope you respond.....I need to vent. 

The last week has been more than hard. I have been in severe pain. My Risotomy has worn off and that was about a month ago that the pain came back. Now the pain is even stronger due to the lack of this procedure (for those of you who don't know a Risotomy blocks the nerves from sending pain signals to my brain- --it brings great relief for me and stops the need for narcotics as much. 

With the loss of this procedure I am feeling the at least 75 percent of the pain I felt originally when I first got sick with nerve damage, muscles spasms and daily migraines. I have had a migraine every day for a week now. No amount of Imitrex is kick'in that bad boy. So, I am trying everything. I am trying all my old time remedies that I once had some relief from. Peppermint oil on my temples, ice packs, heat on my back, Chinese tea balls for inflammation. 

Mostly thought it has me thinking about how my whole process of thinking changes during my painful times. I become easily irritated and can't think straight. Ask me a question and I can't process it. My mind feels like fuzz. After about a week of severe muscle spasms in my shoulders and neck the pain is trickling down my back and into my arms. The worse part of this is that I am stuck at home. Suck in my house when it is so beautiful out. The light bothers me, sounds bother me, and if I would need to head to get groceries (which I do) I know for a fact that when I come back I will have a full force migraine and possible vomiting involved. (caused by florescent lights and lifting grocery bags) 

Yes, I am tired. I am worn down. I am more than anything and surprisingly so, ANGRY! I am mad as hell. I am mad that I have to be this way. I want so badly to get things done here at the house and do things that I know are needed right now. (with a new house there are many of those). 

I find myself being angry with the fact that I want to loose weight and feel better and so I have changed diet and change my exercise plan. My plan only works for me when I am "able". This angers and frustrates me. I get to my goals very slowly. I am impatient. If I think about it I find myself saying awful things in my mind about myself. How much fat I have to loose or how I am "STILL" not a size smaller that I wish for. I must have better control of my thoughts. This I know..................

Your body hears everything your mind says.
Naomi Judd 
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_health.html#AjTjQZOSkz6fef17.99 

I am trying very hard to put my anger into perspective about my predicament. What good will it do me. my anger poisons me and doesn't allow me to heal or meditate or move forward. It does nothing for me at all. 

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
Buddha 
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_anger.html#DlivVHSTXOY3M6QK.99 

Do you understand me? Do you have a story to share? Maybe you need to hear these things just as much as I do. Maybe you need to let go of your anger about your pain and maybe you and I together can cope in a more healthy way. 

_______________________________________________________________________

I strive toward "nirvâna", the absence of suffering, true peace. I hope for inner strength for my mind and for my body. I continue to push forward even though from where I sit at times it seams impossible.