LETS TALK ABOUT WHERE THE YOGA BEGINS.

BUT I can't do yoga "again" ! Yes I actually said this. Me, a yogi who knows full well that yoga isn't just about the physical practice and that the science of yoga encompasses more than I could share with you here in this typed bit. My mind is blown the more and more I educate myself on what yoga really is. What it has to offer us and WHAT IT REEEAAALY IS! !

However, yes I said it to my doctor as he explained to me that I would need to go through a 4th spinal surgery the other day. So, here is the deal ya'll. A bit of background about my journey.

I went into a Yoga Teacher Training program about 2 years ago. I want into it after having had a spinal implant put in for pain management. I have always loved yoga and it therapeutically has been amazing for my muscle spasms and pain. It has done wonders for my depression, anxiety and over all health. However, once I was ready to head into this program after healing from an intense spinal surgery which gave me a CYBROG type implant to help control my pain I was blown away by the philosophy of yoga and MORE.

I had drank the coo-laid guys. I went to Teacher Training two nights a week for 3 hours per night. Plus extra classes outside that were required at the studio AND I had a daily practice which I created fro myself. I was immersed in yoga and it felt AMAZING!

SOMETHING happend to me and I started to change. My body was changing but so was my mind, my perspective, my heart. As my body opened up and awakened so did my mind and I even found a soul in there somewhere. I have never been "spiritual" but there in that room full of like-minded yogis I felt connection. I was blissed out all the time and feeling JOY......no reason. JUST JOY, contentment and first the first time happiness inside myself.

I became totally okay with silence and craved it. My body was strong and the more yoga asana (movement) I practiced the more my body wanted and the less pain and suffering I was feeling. I was focused in a way I had never been in my life. I couldn't wait to share what I felt with the world.

BUT WAIT!  ! !

I wanted to share what I was feeling with the world.....now that is the hard thing to explain to you. When people of the world come to a "yoga class" they are mostly coming to "work out". They might enjoy the tid bit of philosophy or little wisdom I share with them but they are NOT coming there to search deeply into themselves and go through a massive self-transformation. RIGHT?

I get it. I do.

So, I just have to say, when I found yoga .....when I REALLY FOUND IT, that is what I found. I found amazing connection with a self inside me that I didn't even know was there. I found NEW perspective, and new eyes. Also, there was this amazing strong , loving person looking back at me that I never thought was in there too. She had abilities I never thought possible with my physical limitations. I learned to honor and respect my limitations and through that I have been accomplishing more than I ever dreamed , including a sense of peace I never dreamed of.

WITH ALL THAT SAID!

This brings us to today.......just had another surgery a few weeks ago....and no asana for me for 6 weeks. THAT IS hard for me. Yoga movement for me is a moving meditation that I practice every day. Connection to my breath and the movements of my "broken" body allows me to move past all that is hurting and painful there and creates less pain and less obstacles for me. With each surgery I have taken time each day to move my hands....connect with breath, self and meditate. This has been crucial. THIS IS YOGA.

I keep saying this to myself. THIS IS YOGA. I know this in my heart as I know that "stilling the fluctuations of the mind" is also yoga. The movements of yoga is only one path to this.

Just after 2 weeks from this 3rd surgery they told me it didn't take and I would need to go back in for another, more aggressive spinal surgery. UT OH! No asana again?

Not just no ASANA, no jogging and in bed totally for 2 weeks. No movement for me, in general is rough. LOL

LETS TALK ABOUT WHERE THE YOGA BEGINS.
RIGHT NOW ! !

So, my mentors have talked to me about this giving me unbelievable support. AND they are right. My mind goes off on all my worries of what "no asana" will do to my body and how long it will take me to gain back what I have worked so hard to gain physically. However, I CAN NEVER LOOSE, what I have gained mentally. I have gained a site that I will never unsee.

I CAN BREATH, I CAN DO YOGA. I CAN MOVE MY FINGERS- TOES....i can do yoga.

HECK YA.....I am here to tell you that I can do yoga every day . I am aware and present in the here and now about my feelings about my asana practice and that my dearest friends is me working it out with myself. This is my yoga.

This struggle is real for this YOGINI.

I can't wait to FLOW through SURYA NAMASKARA again but until that day I am here learning mudras, nidra and practicing restraint to honor the healing that must take place. KNOW that it is NOT easy. However, I honor this path and accept it.

~Namaste~
Yogini Opa

My Social Cocoon and the Sleeping Sheep

I'm in a social cocoon. 

Too much on my mind,

yoga to do, zen to find.

Basics to tend to, 

So heavy my life, 

And pieces of me falling away,

A little more each day.

So, yoga is my only sane. 

Got business in my brain to tame...

Falling appart at my seams 

You might see soon the innards of me.

Softness and peace find me.. 

But only a moment they stay.. 

Drift away... And there I am... 

Again my worried mind and I.

I build my social cocoon

Let it protect me from untruths 

By turning inward I strive to

Leave these sleeping sheep

Finding calm and peace - truth

by, Opal CH

Peace be EVERYWHERE.

Om Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu

May Peace & Happiness Prevail

This is a PEACE MANTRA :Om lokah samastah sukhino bhavantu. Although this mantra does not appear in any of the existent Veda sakhas [Vedic branches], it is an expression of the universal spirit that we find therein. Let's take a look at what context it appears in and what meaning it carries. The sloka as a whole reads as follows:

May there be well being to the people;
May the kings rule the earth along the right path;
May the cattle and the Brahmins have well being forever;
May all the beings in all the worlds become happy;
Peace, peace and peace be everywhere!

The basic gist is "for peace and harmony to prevail, the kings--i.e. the politicians and leaders--should have a healthy approach towards their subjects and govern according to principles of dharma."

Harmony between humans and the rest of creation is also stressed in this prayer. Actually cow can be taken as representative of the entire animal kingdom. The Sanskrit word for cattle is "go," which is a most profound Vedic symbol and has many subtle spiritual meanings. Two such secondary meanings are "earth" and "mother," and as such the sloka could also be a prayer for the welfare of Mother Earth.

The most important aspect of the mantra is that the sage does not pray only for his clan or nation but for the whole world or, more precisely, all the world.  Instead of asking for something for our self, pray to universe/ higher power, for the whole of creation. 

Praying to your higher power for the welfare of all sentient beings--all humans, all animals, all plants—our mind becomes more expansive. Through such prayer we slowly can go beyond our limited egocentric concepts of self to identify with the entire creation, recognizing its true nature to be none other than our own...... as we too are part of the WORLD/ UNIVERSE, we also are benefited from the blessings of the prayer.

Om Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu

Sources: 

yoga class taken at Spirit of Yoga

http://archives.amritapuri.org/bharat/mantra/lokah.php

written by: Dragonfly

You don't look"Disabled"...

Can you see inside? 

You look at me and you see an able person. I look "fine to you" and you hear the words "I am a Yogi" and you see this twisted pretzel of a person standing in a handstand or on one arm, all muscle and just smiling. Then you ask me what I do and I reluctantly let you know that I have been disabled for about 11 years now. You hear the word "disabled" and you see the symbol of a wheel chair that is on that blue disability tag that is painted in that parking spot in front of your local super market. You look at me and don't see any physical deformity, you see no wheel chair or blood huge marks or scars on my body. You see me walking (that particular day) perfectly fine. 

WHAT YOU DON'T SEE...or even consider is the inside workings of the human body. Do you know that all my bones, organs, brain...etc is fully functional. Why don't you consider this part of the human machine and that it might be in severe mal-function? 

Immediately I am a liar and can't possibly be sick enough to be "disabled". I am functioning fine this particular day and so I am NOT "sick enough" by your judgement. 

You didn't see me yesterday as I crawled on hands and knees from my bed to the bathroom in mind-numbing pain to vomit over and over. You didn't see me as I cried my eyes out because no injection or narcotic was strong enough to kill the pain of my deformed spine and nerve damage caused by this condition. You don't know all the side effects and repercussions that chronically ill patients have to suffer from their medications. The way I grasp at my painful intestines and cry because they don't function properly anymore. Can't think straight enough some days to make regular, every day decisions because of the brain fog that has clouded my mind. All of this now cloaking my emotions in depression and sadness at my lowest times. 

I spend more than half my life at multiple doctor's offices managing a blood disease. CAN YOU SEE that from where you sit? Can you see other people's (and my) nerves on my exterior to know that we are not broken inside? The answer is, NO. You can't know what a chronically ill person goes through when they are having a "bad day". Some chronic illnesses leave you with good days, and bad days. YES.....we chronically ill want to embrace every single good moment. When our body is functioning at it's best we went to take walks and hikes and whatever we can embrace to to that day. We WANT TO SMILE ! 

MY GOODNESS....we want to appear and be as "average and normal" as we can that day. Those other days which are so challenging for us and for people like me, so painful, that we want to REALLY LIVE....REALLY HOLD ON to those GOOD DAYS ! 

Still, this label of "disabled" apply's to myself and others like me. There are whole months worth of time when I am stuck in my house. Sometimes confined to my bed even. You---as an onlooker wouldn't know that by seeing me on a "good day". 

Please, rethink what you know about a "disabled" person or any person for that matter. Please don't judge someone's suffering. You can't possibly quantify their pain or distress. Perception and view point is everything in our lives. Be compassionate......and know that there is usually more under the surface than you see in everyone's outer shell. 

13 REASONS WHY "YOU DON'T LOOK SICK/DISABLED" IS NOT A COMPLIMENT ! 

disableism:

soooyeahanyway:

1. I am ill and I am disabled, and this is what I look like.
2. What do you THINK disabled or ill people look like?
3. It makes it sound like you think disabled people “should” look a bit gross or a bit wierd.
4. It makes it sound like I have to prove my illness to you.
5. It creates a hierarchy of what one ableist acquaintence called, “Like, you know. Disabled-disabled and normal people disabled. Like, you’re disabled but you’re also normal. You’re disabled but you’re also not really disabled because you’re also like us.” That is not okay.
6. It makes it sound like if I did “look disabled” then you’d either think less of me or you’d believe me more.
7. For the same reasons you shouldn’t say to someone, “You don’t look Jewish!”
8. For the same reasons you shouldn’t say to someone, “You don’t sound black!”
9. It often sets the conversation up in a way where you are the judge and you can either validate or invalidate my disability and how much it affects me.
10. Neither my illnesses nor my disabilities are totally invisible if you took the time to learn about them and decided to pay attention.
11. It makes you sound untrustworthy. It makes me think you’re going to be the kind of person that will jump to conclusions about my health if I don’t look or act in certain stereotypical ways. Can I laugh and have a good time around you without you implying I’m cured or dismissing my conditions? (Because it really sucks when you do that.)
12. It feels really dismissive and discouraging.
13. It is dehumanizing. 15% of the world’s population is disabled. We come in more shapes and sizes than able-bodied people do. Whatever a disabled or ill person looks like, that is what disabled and ill people look like regardless of your preconceptions.

As a person who is extremely visibly physically disabled, hearing someone say this to a fellow spoonie with a invisible illness cuts me to the bone. As stated above, it makes me feel like you think I am less than. It makes me feel like you think people who look disabled are ugly, therefore I am ugly. You must think so much less of me than you do this person who ‘doesn’t look disabled’. This is an insult and invalidating to all people with disabilities.

Source:
http://thischroniclife.tumblr.com/post/121574535999/13-reasons-why-you-dont-look-sick-disabled-is

Just Breath...

Through tough times there is always Yoga. 
As I continue with my Yoga study at this moment in my journey, approaching my Spinal surgery date, I find it important in my Svadhyaya (self study) to stay focused on Samtosa (contentment with life as it shows up).

I am nervous and am cranky and unfocused. I am needing Yoga more than ever. I am realizing the importance of my focus toward Ahimsa (self judgement or inner dialog). I need to be gentle with myself in this hard time. Understanding of my own fears and unease related to this challenging situation. At the same time I feel the best thing is to, through asana and meditation to release those fears in realizing Isvarapronidhana (surrender to a higher power). We can only do so much for our self and for others. I will take time to worry and I will also take time to let go of this worry. Feeling grateful for Yoga today.

Focusing on Pitanjalis 8 limbs of Yoga and the Yamas and Niyamas. 

By: Dragonfly

No time zone on the mat

It is true. TIME is a perception. When I zone into my practice time just flutters away and all that exists is nothingness. It feels as if the world as we know it has floated away. I find a place that is void of marks, the way we mark moments, minutes, hours, days. Smooth and without dots and dashes is the way I am when I am breathing and moving in this wave-like journey when i am there on my mat. My body has this fluid-liquid-like state and there is no yesterday, and no tomorrow. There is only NOW....in and out of my breath and ME.

Sometimes it is hard to want to come back from a place that is so non-script and void of naming. Hard to want to come back to a world that is full of suffering and pain. However, to know that I can go to this place at any time. To know that I can have this practice at my disposal in my mind, in my heart and in my breath at any time I need to use it is wonderful.

Admittedly finding my yoga-zone isn't always an easy task. My heart isn't always in it and sometimes finding that release and surrender isn't always easy. Practicing yoga is still always possible. It is always possible to breath. It is always possible to take note of my breath. I can always notice that I am breathing fast and short, for example and always notice that I am "holding the breath" due to stress. Maybe I can't settle myself that day enough to sit and meditate because I am too antsy but I can take a jog because that is the Yoga my body is asking for and so I do it and then I have expended the energy my body needed to. I do find that after that I am finally able to flow through my breath to some asana and then finally to some stretching and lastly to my savasana. Lovely, lovely savasana.

Life has brought me to this place. A place I never knew I was looking for. I never knew it was missing from me. A place where I can finally just begin to really SEE ME. In that place on my mat where there is NO time.

By Dragonfly

Entry inspired by this article:
http://www.yogitimes.com/article/concept-notion-time-yoga-slow-down-present

Yoga Found me Today- it's found me for good.

I like the definition of Yoga that states:

"Yoga is obtaining that which before was unobtainable"

First I am there because I need to be. I am anxious and hurting and have hope Yoga will be my guide and answer. My asana (yoga poses/movement) and breath are leading the way and I am struggling to find a flow and rhythm. I am holding each pose several breaths ---I close my eyes and deepen my breath searching for release from pain.

I feel my mind racing through it's worries and it contains me. I breath. With every pose my breaths are longer-- slower and deeper. I am saying the Sanskrit in my head as I am doing my Classical Sun Salutation. It is me using my brain to try to remember all the pose names. My gaze is blurry as I feel my body start to leave the house I live in, and my worried world. My breath becomes my water and I swim now through the motions - - the pose names float away. Like riding on an ocean I flow through the poses and my body-mind surrenders to this peace, this calm that Yoga is. There I am, where I never thought I would be today. My pain has dulled, my head and body is light, my body is strong yet soft and I move without thought.

Yoga has found me and I have only just begun a journey which I feel is going to bring me where I am meant to go in life. It amazes me sometimes the turns that our path take. Where I THINK I should be headed vs where my path will actually lead me. This past January I started into the Yoga Teacher Training program at the Southwest Institute of the Healing Arts with intention of continuing on with education there into being a Yoga Therapist. When I started I wasn't sure if I was going to be to complete the whole 800 hour program. However, after starting the 200 portion I knew it was a definite that I could do it.

The challenges that were upon me before I started like pain, lack of confidence in myself, and lack of intelligence started to reveal themselves as just fears. I realized that Yoga would help me through all of these things.

Then in March as I was almost done with the first part of three that comprise the 200hr portion I found out I would need to go back in for spinal surgery. At first upon hearing this news it crushed me. It scared me more than I has expected. I reacted in a very exaggerated way to this news (as has been my way or reacting my whole life). This my "Avidaya" or formed life patterns and habits. At this point I realized that this set back was actually here for a reason. It was teaching me the true nature of Yoga. My teacher even pointed this out to me.

She reminded me that going into this surgery I had tools of Patangali's Yoga Sutra that I had gained through my training over the last three months in my classes. That as I would go through this hard time I would use my Yoga.  I would use my breath to get through the pain. I have gained the company of amazing people in this class who have shown me their amazing spirits and voiced their support. This in itself to me is JOY. I am also moved by my Mother's gift of coming out here in this time and am comforted and blessed to have her here with me.

As I await my surgical date I find myself becoming impatient and short tempered and I remind myself of the intention for my current practice. Which is one of compassion and the letting go of anger. I remind myself of the importance of patience.

I see now that this kink in my own plans is an opportunity to put into practice all that I have been studying in my Yoga and practicing on the mat.

Now instead of wishing that this event were over and getting back to my Yoga training again I look forward to seeing if I can put my Yoga to practice. Then when I have done so, getting back to my Yoga Training and with anticipated struggle but with honor to where I will be at that time, continue my journey to some day being able to pass along this amazing science of Yoga to those who may need it as much as I do.

A bit about "Avidaya": 

This is the “accumulated result of our unconscious actions.” We have done things the same for years and perceived things the same as well. The mind becomes dependent on these habits and these actions and perceptions become our “normal”. These habits then cover the mind obscuring clarity of consciousness.

By working on Tapas (keeping ourselves healthy in and out and cleansing) , svadhyaya (self-study) and isvaraprahidhana (quality of action) we can reduce Avidya and “work on ourselves”.  

By, Dragonfly

Sources: The Heart of Yoga by T.K.V. Desikachar