You never know what life is going to through you a loop. Especially when you are a chronic pain or chronic illness patient. For many months now, almost a year, I have been feeling as close to normal as I have been in 9 yrs. All the surgeries that I get to stove off pain were up to date. My medications were as much in balance as I could ask for.
I had EVEN started upon a new journey in my life with attending school to obtain an education in a new field of interest. One that excites me beyond explanation ! Things were flowing for me in these ways. Even things in my marriage were looking better and finding a balance it seamed.
Its hard for people to believe me when I tell them that I am ill at these times in my life because I appear fine from the outside. I function seam to be able to drive around and clean my house. I am able to smile again and laugh. They just don't see the me that was when I was stuck in bed and in the bathroom sick with pain. My attitude is optimistic and bright. My personality is a complete 180 degree turn from the person that I am when I am nagged by a day in and day out severe pain which allows nothing but it's attention.
So, you understand when I say, that I was severely thrown off course when a few months ago my surgeries wore down and I was taken off guard by the monster that had so long been dormant. It came back with a vengeance. The strength of it's grasp was so strong on my once again and I had forgotten so many of my wonderful coping skills that I just folded emotionally under it's weight. I became a person I have a foggy memory of from long ago when my illness began. At the beginning, of course, we had no handle on what was happening with my body so there was no understanding between it and myself. At least this time when it came back, after the initial shock, I took into hand once again to find and reconnect with healthy coping mechanisms once again so that I may deal with the pain in my life.
I have learned so much about being strong and having patience from pain. There are times in our suffering and sadness when we wish it would all just go away NOW. It is this instant relief that we are searching for in a pill and sometimes many of us chronic sufferers are looking for it through self-medication (alcohol, drugs..). Who can blame anyone for wishing for it's end.
However, there is something to be said even in this instance about cherishing the journey and not rushing to the outcome. We as humans have no choice but to take the path of living our lives if we so choose to do it the natural way. Each sensation is showing us something -- teaching us something along the way.
So, with this said, at times of severe suffering I am able to close my eyes and breath and know I am alive. I am able to remember that every thing in life is temporary and that this will not last. Tomorrow will come and it will be different. This moment will never come again and will only be this moment for right now. In this I take comfort. I choose to allow my senses in that moment be distracted if I am able. I say "if I am able" because sometimes the pain is too severe for this type of distraction. However, sometimes a subtle scent of essential oils will focus my mind and something rough to the touch or soft or textural in some way will distract my hands...and with these sense tools I am able to meditate. I can bring my mind to these things and bring it away from the pain in my nerves. I can bring my mind to my breath and in-hail a pleasant blend and it will trigger a feeling--- that feeling with redirect my brain. This technique doesn't fix my pain but it lifts my spirit and helps me cope with a huge challenge. Coping in a healthy way, in itself, is a VICTORY.
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