I am tired of hearing about my own troubles and, I am sure you know what i mean when I say, I am sick of hearing myself wine and complain about my own pain.
Even with that said....two things today: I want to hear about your pain. Whats it like? How does it limit your life? How do you accommodate for it? Do you put limitations on yourself to make it better?
So, with those question out there and I DO hope you respond.....I need to vent.
The last week has been more than hard. I have been in severe pain. My Risotomy has worn off and that was about a month ago that the pain came back. Now the pain is even stronger due to the lack of this procedure (for those of you who don't know a Risotomy blocks the nerves from sending pain signals to my brain- --it brings great relief for me and stops the need for narcotics as much.
With the loss of this procedure I am feeling the at least 75 percent of the pain I felt originally when I first got sick with nerve damage, muscles spasms and daily migraines. I have had a migraine every day for a week now. No amount of Imitrex is kick'in that bad boy. So, I am trying everything. I am trying all my old time remedies that I once had some relief from. Peppermint oil on my temples, ice packs, heat on my back, Chinese tea balls for inflammation.
Mostly thought it has me thinking about how my whole process of thinking changes during my painful times. I become easily irritated and can't think straight. Ask me a question and I can't process it. My mind feels like fuzz. After about a week of severe muscle spasms in my shoulders and neck the pain is trickling down my back and into my arms. The worse part of this is that I am stuck at home. Suck in my house when it is so beautiful out. The light bothers me, sounds bother me, and if I would need to head to get groceries (which I do) I know for a fact that when I come back I will have a full force migraine and possible vomiting involved. (caused by florescent lights and lifting grocery bags)
Yes, I am tired. I am worn down. I am more than anything and surprisingly so, ANGRY! I am mad as hell. I am mad that I have to be this way. I want so badly to get things done here at the house and do things that I know are needed right now. (with a new house there are many of those).
I find myself being angry with the fact that I want to loose weight and feel better and so I have changed diet and change my exercise plan. My plan only works for me when I am "able". This angers and frustrates me. I get to my goals very slowly. I am impatient. If I think about it I find myself saying awful things in my mind about myself. How much fat I have to loose or how I am "STILL" not a size smaller that I wish for. I must have better control of my thoughts. This I know..................
Your body hears everything your mind says.
Naomi Judd
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_health.html#AjTjQZOSkz6fef17.99
I am trying very hard to put my anger into perspective about my predicament. What good will it do me. my anger poisons me and doesn't allow me to heal or meditate or move forward. It does nothing for me at all.
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
Buddha
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_anger.html#DlivVHSTXOY3M6QK.99
Do you understand me? Do you have a story to share? Maybe you need to hear these things just as much as I do. Maybe you need to let go of your anger about your pain and maybe you and I together can cope in a more healthy way.
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I strive toward "nirvâna", the absence of suffering, true peace. I hope for inner strength for my mind and for my body. I continue to push forward even though from where I sit at times it seams impossible. NET.jpg)
Dear Dragonfly,
ReplyDeleteI know about pain. Heart pain, mental anguish, emotional blackness, as well as physical pain that is completely incapacitating. I know what it is like to be so covered in darkness every thought, every action is distorted by the shadow surrounding me and no light seems to penetrate the inkiness. I know what it is like to have physical pain so intense even a touch as light as a butterfly's wing is too much to bear. I know what it is like to be poked and prodded with fingers and needles, where you think one more time with that needle digging into my spine and I'm going to punch someone! Rationally, I know the doctors are trying to ultimately help, but realistically I can't help but wonder if I'm part of some sick experiment they are gleefully doing on me.
How do I cope? For the physical pain I have to use the much hated narcotics, steroids, muscle relaxers, anti inflammatories in both pill and shot form. Those who know me know how much I hate drugs! But I also use exercise, Pilates, stretching, an exercise ball, walking, and watching my diet and weight. Those things go a long way to keep me from having episodes with pain, but they do not always work.
Growing up as a "tom boy" being physically active and never wanting to be bested by anyone, including the guys, having to ask someone else to carry things, open things, not being able to ride horses, or jog, or play the sports I love, is very, very difficult. I have to be so careful of how I walk, for if I step in a pothole, I'm in trouble, or if I bend the wrong way, or lift something in forgetfulness, I'm in serious pain.
Anger? Oh, yeah, I know what that is. I'll never be able to do what I've always done with this body. I'm 37 years old, yet there are parts of me the doctors have said it is if they are twice that age. When I asked them what will it be like when I'm 50, they have no answer and just shake their heads with pity in their eyes. One specialist said to me he doesn't even know how I get out of bed in the mornings, let alone work the stressful job I have. Another specialist said to me I need 3 serious surgeries soon or I will become so crippled I'll be in a wheelchair. I have no intentions to have those surgeries anytime soon.
How do I cope? I try to not take anything for granted. When I'm relatively pain free and can go for a walk, I rejoice! When I'm feeling good and full of endorphins, I can take a couple of steps at a jog and reveal in my body at that moment. I soak up the sunshine, I breathe in the ocean air, I inhale the scent of flowers, fresh fruit, my husband and thank God for these simple things. I try to be mindful in my waking moments, I try to live as if today is my last. And I thank God for what I have for no matter my suffering, I see so much worse all the time. I am so blessed and have so much! I have three fantastic dogs who bring me comfort and joy, I have friends, one in particular I can tell anything to and not feel judged or condemned, I have my parents who still love me and are always there for me even though we are half way across the world from each other, I have my job, stressful, yes, but so satisfying, I have my husband - oh the joy of my life! , and I have my God.
My body is not perfect, my soul is not complete, but I try to do the best I can with what I have. Some days it is easier than others to do this. Some days I cry out in rage, others I whimper myself to sleep. Through it all, I'm learning to be who I am with my self, my body, my mind and soul. I'm learning I have a steel core inside, but that it can bend when put under too much pressure. I'm learning to like who I am, in spite of what I am, because of where I've come from. I have a long way to go, but I'm getting there.
Dragonfly, may you find peace in body and spirit. This is my prayer...
Firefly,
ReplyDeleteIt is as if you have been living my life. I am crying now because I am so happy I am not alone. Not happy, by any means, that you are suffering. JUst happy that you understand....you understand so fully it is unbelievable.
Our lives seam so parallel. In reading your post it is like reading my own story only in words that I sometimes can't say or express.
I also have been treated in the same way as you have with some of the same meds. That and today I found out that I have some bulging discs to contend with and my degenerative disc disease and osteoarthritis has become even more pronounced. My docs say the same thing to me about being older inside than what i really am. Truly though I don't feel my age in my soul.
I still feel in awe of the animals of the earth and nature itself. Actually animals are something that make me smile and truly happy. I will start volunteering at our local humane society as of this weekend and I am so excited. Like you, I do what I can and yes....I too once was in amazing shape and am not used to having limitations. I am proud to say that for the most part I have adapted. I take things in parts instead of the whole. For ex...vacume one room instead of the whole house...then another day another room.As you mentioned lots and lots of stretching and yoga vs. my days of heavy weight lifting.
I find my mind is one of the most important components to me staying healthy though. Yes....even to staying physically healthy. The moment I let that black cloud or shadow take over my body follows. My body is a follower. If I am around tension, bad smells, dramma....my body doesn't do well and the pain comes.
So as to not ramble on, I will conclude that I am just grateful for you Firefly. You have an amazing story and an even more amazing attitude and view about life. You are strong and are pushing through and that gives me hope.
Thanks so much for posting.
Sending you my best, Dragonfly