I feel like I was preyed upon by an emotional vampire. I have heard of such people and always thought the term was interesting but never really understood it's connotation. My significant other, only not by choice, is one of them. HIs problems take center stage even when mine are serious and even when I am hurting and need him more than usual. It breaks my heart that I am there for his every day drama and emergencies because of his ongoing dependance on me but when push comes to shove he always has something more important to attend to and even when i need his help he is unaware. Now that I have said this because it is what I am dealing with today, as of right now, that is a challenge when dealing with his mental illness..I must go on to tell you the unbelievable stressers that have come my way in the last week.
The last post dealt with my family and my sisters visit and the realization that my mother has no way to act when she needs help. She is paralyzed with her own fears and insecurities with who she is.
Just a week ago she was having physical episodes that seam to take form of both anxiety related attacks and also seizures and muscle and nerve action. All of which me and my sisters suffer from as well. Things progressively got worse and she was in bad shape. My sister, who lives with her, wanted to take her in to the ER to get treatment but thought she wasn't the one to make that call since my father is there to take care of his wife. However, he is off in his own world and very non-observant these days. He wasn't noticing how serious things had gotten over the course of a week. It is scary what could have happened if he hadn't finally noticed she was paralyzed on the couch having a seizure one night. What really blows my mind is she was having them for days. She has had them before and he was in such denial about the whole thing that he just.....well....didn't notice.
Here I am 12 hours away dealing with my significant other whom is sick from trying to get his mind under control with different medications. He isn't doing well with the transitions at all and no one. Not even his parents understand the severity of his situation. I live in fear still every day that I will come home and find him dead somewhere in this house. His decisions are just so unpredictable. Not suicidal but you never know about another day.
Today he is withdrawn and pensive and usually this isn't good. Told me he just wanted to have some time alone so I am tyring to honor that.
Why must every situation right now be so wrapped up in emotions and so unsettling. I want to be sitting in my zen garden listening to my deer chaser fountain with the wind blowing through the cherry blossom trees as I meditate. My breath going in and out and my body letting down its tensions. My mind letting go of its whirling thoughts.
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