Giving to ourselves the gift of , EXTRA TIME !

Making decisions... 

When I come upon a decision to be made it is a slight bit different than it used to be. I remember a time when there wasn't much to it. 
Do I want to go there, do this, eat this? 

The questions were fairly easily answered through the day and there was very little energy expended or stress put into it all. However, when you are chronically ill or dealing with a very undependable condition in your life there are things that could change at any moment. When I ask myself to make these decisions which at one time seamed simple I become fearful, worried, and I tend to over think them in many ways. 

A good example is traveling. I have an amazing opportunity presenting itself to me right now to go to a seminar and learn more in my trade. It involves much travel by air and time away from home. Because my body doesn't always cooperate and I suffer migraines and severe pain without warning my mind immediately is thinking out the possible scenarios that might take place if I consider going to this event. I think about all the special items I must take a long which involve special diets I must maintain while away, medicines and vitamins which will help me to stay healthy while there. It will include many different things which I will want to make sure to pack and I will start to worry that I might forget something which in the end will be missed. 

I have traveled much in my past. Especially for someone who has a chronic illness. However, this trip means so much to me I would hate for it to be something I would fly far from home to enjoy and pay much money to attend and get all the way there and find that my body isn't playing along. Those of you will chronic conditions know exactly what it feels like to want to make plans and to hold back due to a condition that you have which is unpredictable. 

I find in my life many decisions I am coming upon which are like this. They are not so easily made because of my own body which has become very unpredictable. I remind myself that it is okay to take things slowly and one small step at a time and not to rush ahead. I have small talks with myself and tell myself over again that I do not have to be one in the crowd and take many classes at a time as "they do" in order to get furthering education. I get very excited to move forward with my life. I get sad sometimes that I must pace myself due to "limitations" I now have. However, it is best I remember these limitations and embrace that they are now part of me than to RUSH ahead and regret that I have done so by needing to recover with a massive migraine later for days upon days of suffering. 

Today I am going to take this moment to remind myself  and others out there like me: 
Even though we stress over these types of decisions because there are things about our conditions which are unpredictable .....we must also remember that we CAN still do the things we love and want. By planning ahead and taking our time... We can make a check list to remind ourselves of the things we must take with us on our outings. That way we feel more "put together". 

As much as we want to "run with the crowd" we are special in many ways. We have a perspective that many don't have and we have strength in us that has been finely tuned to deal with our suffering. So, this --added time-- we are going to allow ourselves to prepare to make these decisions, is NOTHING compared to the suffering we have endured. It can be easy if we let it. 

We are going to GIVE ourselves this extra time.....so that we can still HAVE the trips we want. Hopefully we can alleviate some of the stress we associate with making decisions in our lives, due to the uncertainty that our bodies have added in. 

Healthy coping is a VICTORY !

You never know what life is going to through you a loop. Especially when you are a chronic pain or chronic illness patient. For many months now, almost a year, I have been feeling as close to normal as I have been in 9 yrs. All the surgeries that I get to stove off pain were up to date. My medications were as much in balance as I could ask for. 

I had EVEN started upon a new journey in my life with attending school to obtain an education in a new field of interest. One that excites me beyond explanation ! Things were flowing for me in these ways. Even things in my marriage were looking better and finding a balance it seamed. 

Its hard for people to believe me when I tell them that I am ill at these times in my life because I appear fine from the outside. I function seam to be able to drive around and clean my house. I am able to smile again and laugh. They just don't see the me that was when I was stuck in bed and in the bathroom sick with pain. My attitude is optimistic and bright. My personality is a complete 180 degree turn from the person that I am when I am nagged by a day in and day out severe pain which allows nothing but it's attention. 

So, you understand when I say, that I was severely thrown off course when a few months ago my surgeries wore down and I was taken off guard by the monster that had so long been dormant. It came back with a vengeance. The strength of it's grasp was so strong on my once again and I had forgotten so many of my wonderful coping skills that I just folded emotionally under it's weight. I became a person I have a foggy memory of from long ago when my illness began. At the beginning, of course, we had no handle on what was happening with my body so there was no understanding between it and myself. At least this time when it came back, after the initial shock, I took into hand once again to find and reconnect with healthy coping mechanisms once again so that I may deal with the pain in my life. 

I have learned so much about being strong and having patience from pain. There are times in our suffering and sadness when we wish it would all just go away NOW. It is this instant relief that we are searching for in a pill and sometimes many of us chronic sufferers are looking for it through self-medication (alcohol, drugs..). Who can blame anyone for wishing for it's end. 

However, there is something to be said even in this instance about cherishing the journey and not rushing to the outcome. We as humans have no choice but to take the path of living our lives if we so choose to do it the natural way. Each sensation is showing us something -- teaching us something along the way. 

So, with this said, at times of severe suffering  I am able to close my eyes and breath and know I am alive. I am able to remember that every thing in life is temporary and that this will not last. Tomorrow will come and it will be different. This moment will never come again and will only be this moment for right now. In this I take comfort. I choose to allow my senses in that moment be distracted if I am able. I say "if I am able" because sometimes the pain is too severe for this type of distraction. However, sometimes a subtle scent of essential oils will focus my mind and something rough to the touch or soft or textural in some way will distract my hands...and with these sense tools I am able to meditate. I can bring my mind to these things and bring it away from the pain in my nerves. I can bring my mind to my breath and in-hail a pleasant blend and it will trigger a feeling--- that feeling with redirect my brain. This technique doesn't fix my pain but it lifts my spirit and helps me cope with a huge challenge. Coping in a healthy way, in itself, is a VICTORY.  

A New Year - A New Chapter to my story.....

2014-- is here. Looking back over the year it was a tough one just like the one before. 2013 had many challenges for me. Both physical and mental.

Finding doctors is always hard in a new city. Here in az is no exception. The year before it was WI and searching lead to some really great medical care there. However, here in AZ it has been a bit more involved. I have gone through several psychiatrist just because their offices keep closing and now I am frustrated with the new one I have found because I am not sure they are the place for me.

Before Chronic pain I wouldn't have worried so much about the mental health care I was getting but with being in pain daily I absolutely must keep on top of my mood and make sure I am not falling into negative thinking. It causes me pain and more struggle to do so.

So, I continue with this challenge of getting my mental health in order along with finding a new Neurologist, Dentist....and so on.

What I see for this new "chapter" of my life is that I will for the first time in 9 years take steps toward my future career again. I don't see my career the same way as I once did. I have chosen YOGA and a healing path so that I may keep my health in check and at the same time help others who are ill or struggling.

I will start a yoga therapy program at Southwest Institute of Healing Arts end of January. Starting with Aromatherapy. I am both scared and excited at this change in my life. I think often that I might not be able to handle it and might end up having to (once again) give it up and try something else. What I have this time is a back up plan. If I am not well enough to actually do the yoga part of the training herbal-ism and aromatherapy very much interests me. Whats great about this school is they offer all of that.

How did I come to the realization that YOGA was something I wanted to DO. Well, I gotta tell ya, over the last many many years of being ill i wasn't drawn toward anything. Nothing at all. I have been down about so many things i have lost the ability to do. My husband asks me over and over what I will do with my life and he so badly wants to see me doing more than just lay on the couch in pain. I gotta say so do I. Thing is there was this barrier to doing something....to making that decision of what it might be. Well, because it had to be possible...physically and mentally possible for me. I was feeling pretty weak and incapable.

I added yoga back into my life about a year ago and found myself getting stronger and more focused and feeling more drawn toward it than ever. It brought something for me in terms of physical healing and also mental focus. Unfortunately, the migraine and pain meds I am on create quite a fog. It makes it very hard to think straight about anything. It actually became so hard for me to think that I choose not to.

I addressed this problem with a doctor I see here and he was just wonderful and my savoir. He said that "it is no way to live feeling in a fog" . he gave me medication to help me focus and even though I was reluctant to add anymore meds to my routine I did and am so thankful. I have regained my art again and reading again. I haven't read in 9 yrs. Not articles...not books ....nothing. Now I read all the time so that I can learn. and I LOVE IT.

So, I began my second journey with yoga in about May 2013. My first journey with Yoga was years ago before I was sick. From '98 to about 2004 I enjoyed studying at a gym. That type of yoga was more about fitness and only fitness. This new path I am taking is more than that.

This yoga journey is about a total ME. spiritual as well as physical.

I will post more as it comes to me. .......

Pain's progression to the "ZONE OUT"....

                                     Sometimes it is ongoing and unrelenting pain that makes me calm. I can't believe I am saying this at all because it really drives me crazy and into depression much of the time. However, what I mean is that I become numb. I feel so very much that I just can't "feel" anymore. So, it is like my brain just goes into this strange state where I just stare ahead and think about nothing and feel nothing. I "ZONE OUT". 

When this happens I realize that so many things in our lives that we are worried about aren't important at all. So many things in our lives that we think are "painful" aren't. Now, pain, is perceived. So, I can't judge someones pain. I only know what a , we will say, needle in my finger tip feels like. That needle might feel more or less to someone else. 

What happens to me as I become exposed to pain on a daily, ongoing basis? 

Firstly I go into shock I think and become afraid of doing things that exacerbate that pain. I limit my activities almost too much because of my fear. 

Second, at first I become beat down by it. I let myself be tired and miserable. I allow myself to be saddened by it all the time and go into hibernation from life. 

Then, my body adjusts to pain every day and all day and non-relenting. It becomes "normal" and the smallest of sufferings in my life seam insignificant in comparison. A painful event that might scare the average person doesn't scare me. Just the opposite, I see it as an opportunity to feel pain in other areas that aren't my neck, head and shoulders. 

Maybe this is why I am drawn toward body piercings and tattoos. Some of them are beautiful , yes, but what is real to me is the "pain therapy". The tattoos have more of a significance than the piercings. They are more than "pain therapy". Although they start that way. Then they become something lasting and unchanging. Something constant in an ever-changing world. Even the theory of impermanence applies to tattoos because they do eventually fade and discolor. However the general structure is there as a comfort to me. Something is stable.

Also, there is coping. I have developed coping tools. Meditation is one and listening to calm music is another, talking to a friend or family member helps. I am sure there are others that might not be so positive coping mechanisms as well like eating...snacking to comfort myself. ....etc.

Now, to what I have started today thinking about.... The "ZONE OUT" moment. Its like my brain and body disconnect from its environment.  I am literally unable to think at all.  I can't move or feel or even sleep. Just stare...................................................................... 

What is that? What is that about? 

I am thankful today.

When I finally have a GOOD day with less pain and less struggle I forget to say thanks. I forget to be mindful. Only when things are really bad and I am in unreal pain do I think to be mindful.

Today I am going to remember to be mindful. I am going to remember to say to you all how thankful I am for a "good day". I felt well enough to jog and well enough to travel. Travel more than anything. I have such a hard time driving. I get very sick and feel very much pain. A trip that to an average person might be no problem....a short, simple trip of 30 min can put me in bed for a day. Not today so far. ......(knock on wood)   . I drove to a store and spent all the time I wanted there walking and looking. Florescent lights are another really bad trigger for pain and migraine for me....yes I was in florescent lighting too. I am happy to report so far .....nothing. Well, something.....just no migraine. OH YEAH.

So, this post is just to say that I am thankful. I am more than thankful. I am doing as a friend pointed out to me earlier in a message to me. I am being grateful and thankful. Thanks, friend, for reminding me what is important and what NOT to dwell on.

Love.

Tell me about your pain please?

Today I am posting about pain. Pure pain. What does it do to you? I want to hear how pain affects you? 

I am tired of hearing about my own troubles and, I am sure you know what i mean when I say, I am sick of hearing myself wine and complain about my own pain. 

Even with that said....two things today: I want to hear about your pain. Whats it like?   How does it limit your life?   How do you accommodate for it? Do you put limitations on yourself to make it better? 

So, with those question out there and I DO hope you respond.....I need to vent. 

The last week has been more than hard. I have been in severe pain. My Risotomy has worn off and that was about a month ago that the pain came back. Now the pain is even stronger due to the lack of this procedure (for those of you who don't know a Risotomy blocks the nerves from sending pain signals to my brain- --it brings great relief for me and stops the need for narcotics as much. 

With the loss of this procedure I am feeling the at least 75 percent of the pain I felt originally when I first got sick with nerve damage, muscles spasms and daily migraines. I have had a migraine every day for a week now. No amount of Imitrex is kick'in that bad boy. So, I am trying everything. I am trying all my old time remedies that I once had some relief from. Peppermint oil on my temples, ice packs, heat on my back, Chinese tea balls for inflammation. 

Mostly thought it has me thinking about how my whole process of thinking changes during my painful times. I become easily irritated and can't think straight. Ask me a question and I can't process it. My mind feels like fuzz. After about a week of severe muscle spasms in my shoulders and neck the pain is trickling down my back and into my arms. The worse part of this is that I am stuck at home. Suck in my house when it is so beautiful out. The light bothers me, sounds bother me, and if I would need to head to get groceries (which I do) I know for a fact that when I come back I will have a full force migraine and possible vomiting involved. (caused by florescent lights and lifting grocery bags) 

Yes, I am tired. I am worn down. I am more than anything and surprisingly so, ANGRY! I am mad as hell. I am mad that I have to be this way. I want so badly to get things done here at the house and do things that I know are needed right now. (with a new house there are many of those). 

I find myself being angry with the fact that I want to loose weight and feel better and so I have changed diet and change my exercise plan. My plan only works for me when I am "able". This angers and frustrates me. I get to my goals very slowly. I am impatient. If I think about it I find myself saying awful things in my mind about myself. How much fat I have to loose or how I am "STILL" not a size smaller that I wish for. I must have better control of my thoughts. This I know..................

Your body hears everything your mind says.
Naomi Judd 
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_health.html#AjTjQZOSkz6fef17.99 

I am trying very hard to put my anger into perspective about my predicament. What good will it do me. my anger poisons me and doesn't allow me to heal or meditate or move forward. It does nothing for me at all. 

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
Buddha 
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_anger.html#DlivVHSTXOY3M6QK.99 

Do you understand me? Do you have a story to share? Maybe you need to hear these things just as much as I do. Maybe you need to let go of your anger about your pain and maybe you and I together can cope in a more healthy way. 

_______________________________________________________________________

I strive toward "nirvâna", the absence of suffering, true peace. I hope for inner strength for my mind and for my body. I continue to push forward even though from where I sit at times it seams impossible. 

who I was and where I am headed

THe women I was before the pain was amazing. I took her for granted and never acknowledged her success in life. I am taking a moment to remember all her amazing doings. She was a professional photographer just as she planned. She was a force of woman-power in a male dominated field. People knew her name when they were thinking of amazing and moving portraiture. They thought of her for their weddings and passed her name along to their friends and family. She made art that captivated her colleagues.

Her dedication to her physical health was commendable. She went to the gym every day and made sure to eat the right nutrition. She was a jogger and missing that I look back to times I felt that amazing high after completing the goal.

Her happiness was true. It showed her contentment with being independent and with a for-filling career it was the way life was supposed to be. Not to say there weren't hard times and sadness to show her how great it was to be happy.

That women is someone now that I see as having been one life. Reborn as I am with challanges that never imagined having at such a young age I am forced to seperate myself from her in many ways. It was me but when I tell people about it ....it doesn't feel connected to who I am now. I want to take pride in the things I did but they are so far away that I am feeling like it is time to make some new things to be proud of. It might NOT be my career and it won't be the physically strong women I was then....However, it will be based on things I find to be for filling now. I am on the hunt for these things.  Some I am trying on for size are my Photographs, paintings and house decor in my own home. These things set me in a good way. Then slowly but surely I am changing my definition of physically fit. I am starting with the inside this time. Good, quality food first and then with less pain more stretching and faster walks till one day hopefully i will be jogging a bit agian.

With this celebration of--- who I was and where I am headed--- I leave you.