Loss of control - gaining acceptance

Some days you are just tired. When I say tired I mean you can't move. Not one inch. No decision making power, no brain power. Nothing. I think I should be able to make myself food and that might be it for the day but, no, not even that. I am worn to the bone. I hurt everywhere and I can't move out of my bed. My mind is half between asleep and awake and then ….woops...i am totally asleep again.



It goes in this fashion for two days. This has been the longest in a while that this has happened to me. Especially without a migraine spell to come along with it. I just have been running myself at full speed ahead for a week and a half now doing everything I wanted to do and not limiting myself at all. It was nice while it lasted but that was something the “old me” was able to do and now I am seeing the new (limited me) kicking in and taking what It needs. Not asking ...taking it's rest from me.



I feel guilt because two of those days I still had company staying at my house. I am unable to turn the dial on my energy level so that I might enjoy those last few days with my loved ones as they visit. I can't rip myself off the couch and out of that comma to continue showing them around town. I feel like a bad hostess as my illness takes hold of me and I am week to it's power. Once again I am OUT OF CONTROL and in pain.



I should feel good that I lasted as long as I did. Going all kinds of wonderful places and even going on a hike (which I haven't done in forever) but instead I just feel guilt and shame that I can't live up to who I want to be in my heart. I feel sad that I am so week and wonder once again , why me?



Today my thoughts are on the loss of control. I am in shock how my body just shut down when it needed rest and how I was powerless to do anything about it. It is another realization that I am not fully in acceptance of my limited abilities yet and must work to get there. My body knows far better what is best for me than I do and I have got to stop fighting against my wiser self.



Loss of control is a hard one.