When I close my eyes to go to bed at night all I see is his face as I lifted his head off the floor. The drool dripping from his lips and his eyes rolling back into his head. I hear his speech of only noises from his drooping lips as he trashes around trying to get away from me and yells at me for waking him.
I can't sleep because last night I was awoken by the sound of my significant other falling over himself again and again in and out of the bathroom. Stumbling and barely conscious he was wandering around and then was passing out and falling over and barely able to talk to me when I asking him if he was okay. Not only did he respond angry toward me but through incomprehensible noises. I thought he'd had a stroke or a mental break or both!
When he was in bed I figured I would try to wake him and talk to him to see if had been in my mind the way he spoke. His brain wasn't connected with his lips or something. I woke him and he was mad but he did try to talk back to me and it was shuttering the sound of those noises. Not words but he was trying to form them.
Then he stood up very fast and staggered once again around the room. Asked where he was going. Snapped at me something I didn't know what it was. This happened several times and each time he would come back to bed and pass out again. Finally when he stood up for the third time I went over and grabbed his arm and yelled at him to sit on the chair. Told him he couldn't walk around like this. Told him I would have to go and call 911 that even if he couldn't tell that something was wrong and there was no way I was going to wrestle an over 200lb man to put him in the car. He wasn't being willing.
I went in the next room and grabbed the phone. I dialed and the whole time I am yelling at him because he is getting up and staggering around. I am telling him to stay put. When I come back in he is passed out on the floor. We wait. We wait and I have to go down to open the door for medics. When they look at him they tell me it looks like an overdose.
What! Really? I am praying in my head that this is not another attempt on his life. He has tried several other times to take his own life due to his own personal suffering and the angst of wanting to have rest from his own tortures. I know and understand why it happened before. The day before was our anniversary and he was happy...I can't imagine this would be the one time he had succeeded.
As I was driving to the hospital all that was going through my head was how alone I would be after he had died. I am alone now here in WI and when he dies I will really be alone. I couldn't bare the thought of them telling me he had died and that being the last way I had seen him. It just wasn't him. Being that he is mentally ill I have seen him not being himself many times before but this was different.
When I got into the tiny room in the ER with him he was angry toward me and like a small child turning in circles on his bed, wrapping himself up in the IV line and ripping it out of his arm a few times. You would have to tell him things several times and he wouldn't remember them. In between misbehaving he would pass out cold and snore very loud only to awaken to yell at me in now slurred speech. Then he would need to go to the bathroom and I would have to help and he would be such a baby about the whole thing and make a huge mess. It was awful.
When he went for his tests all I could do was cry in the corner of the tiny room. I was huddled in my chair and could find no peace.
Through his illness and even him being hospitalized and my own illness and my sufferings I have held up and I have been strong and tried not to cry too often in front of him when he is down or when things are rough for him. I know it doesn't help. This time I couldn't keep it in. I was SCARED to death! I was petrified.
I still feel this fear today even though after all that he is fine and has survived this horrible ordeal. It turned out he took several doses of his nighttime medications after forgetting he had already took one. A huge mistake yes...but he lived. This time it was not an attempt on his life but he came closer to dieing than ever before. He remembers none of it and is moving on with his day and life and I am terrorized by the whole thing and feel helpless and not safe in the same house with him. I feel out of join and totally worn to the nub.
He will live. I will too but how will I get those images out of my head. I just hope that after a few nights rest they will fade.
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