So, when you are going through your week do you too have ups and downs that are totally unexplainable. Moods. I sure do. It is a constant struggle to understand my body. My cranky moods mostly come with my pain but some days I find myself really hating first myself and then others. It is a battle to get back to feeling like I can do anything that day. leave the house, clean the house, make food, clean up after making food. ....even just go out and pick up meds at the pharmacy that are needed.
Why is it so very hard sometimes to pull oneself together?
When my sig other is feeling bad I am feeling so so much worse than usual and can barely be well enough to help him out. He doesn't want my help...or doesn't think he does but still that is what us sig others are there to do. We are there to raise each other up.
I feel as though I just want to understand the why of my chemistry. Why am I this way and other people not? I certainly have some kind of chemistry roller coaster going. I've known this since I was very young. My concern gets expressed through anger and lashing out toward my sig other. I feel guilty after the mean and shocking things I say . Then I am beating myself up just moments later about the whole display wondering why I am taking out my frustrations on something whom I care so much about. Next day I may feel totally at peace and at ease but don't have the courage to apologize for the nasty things I said the day before.
What is this horrible cycle? The depression meds only help somewhat with these ups and downs. I can see that his ups and downs due to his mental condition are much worse. Mine might vary from day to day but his might vary from half hour to half hour. It makes for a volatile pair sometimes. If neighter one of us can explain our actions but only know how we feel and are having a hard time being mindful about it and control ourselves...well it makes for a mess.
What to do?
Life brought us together for some reason. Probably because in the long story of the two of us we are both missing something. we are both sick and struggling and can understand pain in several ways. However, is it right that we stay together even though things for us are always running in such a up and down flow all the time. Day to night we don't get breaks from our selves and that leads to resentment. Is it healthy? Sometimes these are questions that I see not being answered by our therapist. I see that these questions are something we must desifer on our own. Are we okay for each other...healthy for one another? We do the best we can to support one another but many times one of us is down and nonfunctional to be the support the other needs. Does this bring on the strength in the other one because they are forced to deal with the struggle alone? Maybe it does. We can't always lean and lean....we must pick ourselves up.
Some days I just want a strong and put-together person to be there for me and tell me it will be okay. That "they" will stand up for me and I can just take a deep breath cuz they have it under control.
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