one VERY lonely day - the cards I've been delt

I am having a very lonely day. The longer I am here in the new town I have moved to the worse I feel about my ability to help those i love. Nothing feels more helpless than to feel your words and advice are valueless. There was a moment today when I was remembering when I had friends to confide in and talk that lived just down the street. I am feeling old and burnt out on making friends and seeing it much more difficult than I thought it would be. Plus, wants new ones when you have great old ones who are just very busy with their own lives.
The question of “why” has been here it seams forever. Why me? Why do I feel so sad sometimes. It isn't an irrational way to feel about my life and how it's turned out. It really has taken the less-traveled path.



That's how it has been going for years. Life takes me to unlucky places. It hands me hardship and pain and not much forgiveness or understanding. Why? what I've done to deserve such bad luck and path. I want to know.



I, like anyone else, need support but because I am proud I don't ask. I see myself the way I always was....strong...physically and mentally. It brings me down to see myself the way I am now. Searching for someone who can support you may seam so simple. Look to your right side...your sig other.



My voice feels silenced and misunderstood from the only person who could possibly hear it. My sig other lives in a world self-created and built of things real and imagined. When do I know if he is there for me or not? Does he hear me through that blank stair when I tell him I'm in pain. When I tell him I am in physical pain he might say "are you alright" but mostly he just keeps staring. Maybe he is tired of hearing it. Doesn't he think I am tired of being in it? I am!I am tired of saying it.



I am exhausted of the energy it takes to not let it get me down. It is easier to just give in and feel really bad about how tortured I am and feel sad for myself sometimes. I make myself sick thinking about how I wish things were (in the past) and not accepting how they are now. Mostly I do pretty well with acceptance but today …...is a bad day.