Mental illness and it's part in my pain.

When for a moment you get a little peak at what you loved about being you long ago before the illness you can only remember fondly how nice it was to be you. I start wondering why did I ever hate myself? Why did I always wanna be different and someone else?


I don't understand how that works. We aren't grateful for what we have when we have it.

I get a small door of time when I also see who my sig other was when I married him. He was a different man then. He was confident but not cocky and smart (as all knew and could tell around him). He was so observant of himself and what other's needed. Maybe he even gave away too much of himself in order to make us all happy.  He was a handsome and well put-together man. Clean cut and well dressed he cared how he presented himself to the world. He had pride. As he should have.

After the mental illness took affect 5 plus years ago he became totally different. As you can imagine the illness was powerful and he became week to it's chemical control over his brain. He became angry and resentful of all around him and distrusting. He became sad and unsure of himself and ashamed. This was the hardest and has been the hardest to see. He was so ashamed and felt guilty of so many wrongs. Even though this illness isn't something he created he felt responsible. Once on meds he realized what was going on. It wasn't like with a mentally challenged individual who is happy and oblivious to their disability. It was a man who knew he was different and a man who was fighting against it with all his might. He was defenseless for a while and it beat him down.  He was tired of fighting every day to be "normal" and he was ready to give up.

I don't blame him. I can't possibly understand in fullness but I do know that as he learned coping techniques and in continuing his journey it became easier to control his thoughts and mind and explain to himself what was real and what was his brain chemistry manifesting itself as strange perceptions. 

This is what was happening to him. However, THIS was tearing me apart emotionally and physically. There was not much I could do during the time he was in such struggle and I, myself, was suffering from illness as well. My illness and pain only reflected the unhappiness and challenges in our lives. It was a radar to how our lives were going. The pain would get worse whether I realized it was a reflection of how upset I was about his illness and then I was powerless to even hug him or offer verbal assurance.

When finally he was admitted in to mental care I felt numb. I had been feeling so overwhelmed and so week and beat down. I was so depressed about both our situations. Now, I was numb and in shock. I would go daily to visit a very sad and scared man. He looked so out of place in that facility. My man...my strong man, didn't belong there. But...alas..he didn't look strong. He didn't look the same. He wasn't himself at all and was battling a war that would go on and off for the rest of his life.

I didn't sleep at night. I tossed and turned thinking about what he must be going through sleeping in that place. I was in so much pain the nausea didn't allow me to eat and I was crying and rocking myself by the bedside wishing God would take me now. It was years ago all over again when things had started with my pain that was unceasing. I wonder what started it then. Was it something emotional, like now, that I was clueless to understand. Maybe.

When he finally did come home after a week in the facility I was relieved he was back under our roof but i was scared to death that at any moment I might be driving him to the ER because at any moment he might decide it was all to much and take his own life. That fear has been with me every day after that time. It isn't something you forget and it isn't something you wish you could control.

I wish that I could know that something I might do would prevent him from ever taking action against himself again. However,....there isn't. So, I must let go. In letting go I give in to the powers that be and I say that whatever happens was meant to happen that way.