Success - Just changed at heart.

My father always pushed himself beyond his limits because he was never satisfied with less than the best from himself, and he was never going to be happy than less than the best from “his girls”.

He pushed us to get good grades at ever level of school. There was no question whether we were going to college or not. Whether we had the money or not we were going to earn our way or die trying. It was important to him that his kids had a college education and become “successful” in their lives. He had been the first in his family to have a college degree and he wanted the best for his children.

When I graduated college I pushed myself the same way. I worked myself to the bone taking assistant-ships far away from my home. I drove two hours in and out of the city working everything I could get in the Profession I had chosen. I worked 24 hour days sometimes to come home and sleep 2 days to recover. I received amazing hands-on experience that first year as a Photography/ Applied Media Arts graduate. Then I got my first job with a large Photography Corporation. I worked for them for 5 years. They hours were very long and I drove all over the US photographing family s and children portraits for them. It was amazing experience and long and physical days. I was in amazing shape and still young with endurance I can't imagine having now! After 5 years I got a job with a private Studio and worked with some amazing Talents in the Portrait Photography business. At this time my own Photography business started growing. I was working 6-7 days a week photographing for the Studio on the weekdays and for my business on the weekends doing weddings and other small jobs. My income was good and I has been self supportive for 7 years. I had lived in my own 3 bedroom townhouse for all of this time and enjoyed the freedom of a good income.

One day I found myself driving to work and unable to focus on the road because of a nagging pain in my eyes. By the time I got to work I was almost paralyzed in pain in my eyes, head and left arm. I was in bad shape and ended up in the ER that day. There were many days like this to come. This condition worsened and turned into a Paralyzing nerve/ pain/ migraine condition which was un-namable by 15 specialists in the next 2 years. I continued to try to hold my job for months. I tried my best to hold other small jobs for small clips refusing to give up and file for disability even though I was being advised to. I was now bedridden and being fed through a straw. My husband was my caregiver and it was all he could do to keep it together upon seeing his wife in such a sad state.

In a short time I had lost everything. My career, my fitness success, many of my friends, my drive to live, my drive to succeed and my ability to even do daily functional tasks. It was a shocking life event. In this time I had several near death experiences.

I was affected emotionally by these times. My views on life and what is important changed ! My views on people and their true natures changed as well. I could see trues in this world ,which before these events had been hidden from me. At seven years into my illness I couldn't know what might happen to me in the future. I Felt lost and as though I had no direction. As though anything good for me would surely have been left in my past. My photography, my career , my addiction to the gym and fitness itself. I feel into a severe depression. Time passed by an inch at a time. It was slow and my depression was heavy. I wasn't myself and my decisions were of another spirit all together.

At 9 years a change in location brought a much needed more away from bad influences and a turn into a better environment over all. My mind started to clear a bit and all of the sudden I felt inspired again. I came to believe over a long time that these trials of the human spirit and strength of the human machine, are meant to mold us for some thing.

I believe that when Aromatherapy found me it was in stages throughout my illness. Smells found me First in a destructive way during my worst migraines to date. That feeling you get when a migraine is just starting and every smell is strong and awful. It sends you reeling over the edge into migraine hell. Then I discovered Essential Oils through a Chinese Acupuncturist In Pennsylvania. I don't remember the first time I bought Peppermint Essential oil but it changed my life with its healing powers every since. My second friend of pain was Frankincense. Thank goodness.

As I walk my path with this new education into herbal medicine I still am a chronic pain sufferer. I still have horrible days and still get paralyzing pain. I am reminded that my body is still completely right inside this exterior which is trying to move forward with having a “normal life” again. However, I am in a new place mentally and take time to listen to what my body is telling me. I take much more time with myself than I did before. I am quite more often in order to know what I need.

I also am geared toward a goal which is so much more different than the photography which I was once dedicated to. My goals include trying to help others in ways which I needed help and still need help today. This puts me in a unique position and perspective to understand what other peoples bodies might be saying to them. Maybe they don't hear it and maybe I have learned a way of listening which they could benefit from. I do hope so.

I am still that hard-working,dedicated, and pushy girl that I always was and still strive for success it is just that the success I am seeking isn't solely based on the number of dollar bills I am gathering. I Feel successful when someone tells me I am helping them. I Feel successful when the blend I have made is amazing and therapeutically active. I also feel successful when I am eating right, in good shape, treating my body with respect and surrounding myself with good people and healthy things.

I owe my point of view, my success (ALL OF IT) to my husband. He is a man I look up to, respect , and love so very much. He has given me so much all of these years and without his love and support I couldn't have all that I do today in terms of success.

My hierarchy of the definition of success has changed.....

SUCCESS:

• When someone tells me I have helped them.
• A blend is exactly what I meant it to be or better !
• I am feeling good because I am honoring my body.
• I am meditating and keeping myself mentally healthy daily.
• My marriage is healthy and happy
• My friends are part of my life and we are keeping in touch.
• I am earning at least some money to help contribute (not yet but I have hope)

Giving to ourselves the gift of , EXTRA TIME !

Making decisions... 

When I come upon a decision to be made it is a slight bit different than it used to be. I remember a time when there wasn't much to it. 
Do I want to go there, do this, eat this? 

The questions were fairly easily answered through the day and there was very little energy expended or stress put into it all. However, when you are chronically ill or dealing with a very undependable condition in your life there are things that could change at any moment. When I ask myself to make these decisions which at one time seamed simple I become fearful, worried, and I tend to over think them in many ways. 

A good example is traveling. I have an amazing opportunity presenting itself to me right now to go to a seminar and learn more in my trade. It involves much travel by air and time away from home. Because my body doesn't always cooperate and I suffer migraines and severe pain without warning my mind immediately is thinking out the possible scenarios that might take place if I consider going to this event. I think about all the special items I must take a long which involve special diets I must maintain while away, medicines and vitamins which will help me to stay healthy while there. It will include many different things which I will want to make sure to pack and I will start to worry that I might forget something which in the end will be missed. 

I have traveled much in my past. Especially for someone who has a chronic illness. However, this trip means so much to me I would hate for it to be something I would fly far from home to enjoy and pay much money to attend and get all the way there and find that my body isn't playing along. Those of you will chronic conditions know exactly what it feels like to want to make plans and to hold back due to a condition that you have which is unpredictable. 

I find in my life many decisions I am coming upon which are like this. They are not so easily made because of my own body which has become very unpredictable. I remind myself that it is okay to take things slowly and one small step at a time and not to rush ahead. I have small talks with myself and tell myself over again that I do not have to be one in the crowd and take many classes at a time as "they do" in order to get furthering education. I get very excited to move forward with my life. I get sad sometimes that I must pace myself due to "limitations" I now have. However, it is best I remember these limitations and embrace that they are now part of me than to RUSH ahead and regret that I have done so by needing to recover with a massive migraine later for days upon days of suffering. 

Today I am going to take this moment to remind myself  and others out there like me: 
Even though we stress over these types of decisions because there are things about our conditions which are unpredictable .....we must also remember that we CAN still do the things we love and want. By planning ahead and taking our time... We can make a check list to remind ourselves of the things we must take with us on our outings. That way we feel more "put together". 

As much as we want to "run with the crowd" we are special in many ways. We have a perspective that many don't have and we have strength in us that has been finely tuned to deal with our suffering. So, this --added time-- we are going to allow ourselves to prepare to make these decisions, is NOTHING compared to the suffering we have endured. It can be easy if we let it. 

We are going to GIVE ourselves this extra time.....so that we can still HAVE the trips we want. Hopefully we can alleviate some of the stress we associate with making decisions in our lives, due to the uncertainty that our bodies have added in.