Pain's progression to the "ZONE OUT"....

                                     Sometimes it is ongoing and unrelenting pain that makes me calm. I can't believe I am saying this at all because it really drives me crazy and into depression much of the time. However, what I mean is that I become numb. I feel so very much that I just can't "feel" anymore. So, it is like my brain just goes into this strange state where I just stare ahead and think about nothing and feel nothing. I "ZONE OUT". 

When this happens I realize that so many things in our lives that we are worried about aren't important at all. So many things in our lives that we think are "painful" aren't. Now, pain, is perceived. So, I can't judge someones pain. I only know what a , we will say, needle in my finger tip feels like. That needle might feel more or less to someone else. 

What happens to me as I become exposed to pain on a daily, ongoing basis? 

Firstly I go into shock I think and become afraid of doing things that exacerbate that pain. I limit my activities almost too much because of my fear. 

Second, at first I become beat down by it. I let myself be tired and miserable. I allow myself to be saddened by it all the time and go into hibernation from life. 

Then, my body adjusts to pain every day and all day and non-relenting. It becomes "normal" and the smallest of sufferings in my life seam insignificant in comparison. A painful event that might scare the average person doesn't scare me. Just the opposite, I see it as an opportunity to feel pain in other areas that aren't my neck, head and shoulders. 

Maybe this is why I am drawn toward body piercings and tattoos. Some of them are beautiful , yes, but what is real to me is the "pain therapy". The tattoos have more of a significance than the piercings. They are more than "pain therapy". Although they start that way. Then they become something lasting and unchanging. Something constant in an ever-changing world. Even the theory of impermanence applies to tattoos because they do eventually fade and discolor. However the general structure is there as a comfort to me. Something is stable.

Also, there is coping. I have developed coping tools. Meditation is one and listening to calm music is another, talking to a friend or family member helps. I am sure there are others that might not be so positive coping mechanisms as well like eating...snacking to comfort myself. ....etc.

Now, to what I have started today thinking about.... The "ZONE OUT" moment. Its like my brain and body disconnect from its environment.  I am literally unable to think at all.  I can't move or feel or even sleep. Just stare...................................................................... 

What is that? What is that about? 

I am thankful today.

When I finally have a GOOD day with less pain and less struggle I forget to say thanks. I forget to be mindful. Only when things are really bad and I am in unreal pain do I think to be mindful.

Today I am going to remember to be mindful. I am going to remember to say to you all how thankful I am for a "good day". I felt well enough to jog and well enough to travel. Travel more than anything. I have such a hard time driving. I get very sick and feel very much pain. A trip that to an average person might be no problem....a short, simple trip of 30 min can put me in bed for a day. Not today so far. ......(knock on wood)   . I drove to a store and spent all the time I wanted there walking and looking. Florescent lights are another really bad trigger for pain and migraine for me....yes I was in florescent lighting too. I am happy to report so far .....nothing. Well, something.....just no migraine. OH YEAH.

So, this post is just to say that I am thankful. I am more than thankful. I am doing as a friend pointed out to me earlier in a message to me. I am being grateful and thankful. Thanks, friend, for reminding me what is important and what NOT to dwell on.

Love.

Tell me about your pain please?

Today I am posting about pain. Pure pain. What does it do to you? I want to hear how pain affects you? 

I am tired of hearing about my own troubles and, I am sure you know what i mean when I say, I am sick of hearing myself wine and complain about my own pain. 

Even with that said....two things today: I want to hear about your pain. Whats it like?   How does it limit your life?   How do you accommodate for it? Do you put limitations on yourself to make it better? 

So, with those question out there and I DO hope you respond.....I need to vent. 

The last week has been more than hard. I have been in severe pain. My Risotomy has worn off and that was about a month ago that the pain came back. Now the pain is even stronger due to the lack of this procedure (for those of you who don't know a Risotomy blocks the nerves from sending pain signals to my brain- --it brings great relief for me and stops the need for narcotics as much. 

With the loss of this procedure I am feeling the at least 75 percent of the pain I felt originally when I first got sick with nerve damage, muscles spasms and daily migraines. I have had a migraine every day for a week now. No amount of Imitrex is kick'in that bad boy. So, I am trying everything. I am trying all my old time remedies that I once had some relief from. Peppermint oil on my temples, ice packs, heat on my back, Chinese tea balls for inflammation. 

Mostly thought it has me thinking about how my whole process of thinking changes during my painful times. I become easily irritated and can't think straight. Ask me a question and I can't process it. My mind feels like fuzz. After about a week of severe muscle spasms in my shoulders and neck the pain is trickling down my back and into my arms. The worse part of this is that I am stuck at home. Suck in my house when it is so beautiful out. The light bothers me, sounds bother me, and if I would need to head to get groceries (which I do) I know for a fact that when I come back I will have a full force migraine and possible vomiting involved. (caused by florescent lights and lifting grocery bags) 

Yes, I am tired. I am worn down. I am more than anything and surprisingly so, ANGRY! I am mad as hell. I am mad that I have to be this way. I want so badly to get things done here at the house and do things that I know are needed right now. (with a new house there are many of those). 

I find myself being angry with the fact that I want to loose weight and feel better and so I have changed diet and change my exercise plan. My plan only works for me when I am "able". This angers and frustrates me. I get to my goals very slowly. I am impatient. If I think about it I find myself saying awful things in my mind about myself. How much fat I have to loose or how I am "STILL" not a size smaller that I wish for. I must have better control of my thoughts. This I know..................

Your body hears everything your mind says.
Naomi Judd 
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_health.html#AjTjQZOSkz6fef17.99 

I am trying very hard to put my anger into perspective about my predicament. What good will it do me. my anger poisons me and doesn't allow me to heal or meditate or move forward. It does nothing for me at all. 

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
Buddha 
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_anger.html#DlivVHSTXOY3M6QK.99 

Do you understand me? Do you have a story to share? Maybe you need to hear these things just as much as I do. Maybe you need to let go of your anger about your pain and maybe you and I together can cope in a more healthy way. 

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I strive toward "nirvâna", the absence of suffering, true peace. I hope for inner strength for my mind and for my body. I continue to push forward even though from where I sit at times it seams impossible.