who I was and where I am headed

THe women I was before the pain was amazing. I took her for granted and never acknowledged her success in life. I am taking a moment to remember all her amazing doings. She was a professional photographer just as she planned. She was a force of woman-power in a male dominated field. People knew her name when they were thinking of amazing and moving portraiture. They thought of her for their weddings and passed her name along to their friends and family. She made art that captivated her colleagues.

Her dedication to her physical health was commendable. She went to the gym every day and made sure to eat the right nutrition. She was a jogger and missing that I look back to times I felt that amazing high after completing the goal.

Her happiness was true. It showed her contentment with being independent and with a for-filling career it was the way life was supposed to be. Not to say there weren't hard times and sadness to show her how great it was to be happy.

That women is someone now that I see as having been one life. Reborn as I am with challanges that never imagined having at such a young age I am forced to seperate myself from her in many ways. It was me but when I tell people about it ....it doesn't feel connected to who I am now. I want to take pride in the things I did but they are so far away that I am feeling like it is time to make some new things to be proud of. It might NOT be my career and it won't be the physically strong women I was then....However, it will be based on things I find to be for filling now. I am on the hunt for these things.  Some I am trying on for size are my Photographs, paintings and house decor in my own home. These things set me in a good way. Then slowly but surely I am changing my definition of physically fit. I am starting with the inside this time. Good, quality food first and then with less pain more stretching and faster walks till one day hopefully i will be jogging a bit agian.

With this celebration of--- who I was and where I am headed--- I leave you.

The mind is a powerful thing.

The mind is a powerful thing. The body follows the mind. I have learned this through personal experience. If my body hurts and I let it get me mentally down then I tend to lean and move toward a dark and unhappy place. If I turn toward tools of the mind like meditation and pleasant music, walks in the park, good smelling candles...etc...my mood is lifted and many times brings with it less pain.

If you set your mind in a certain mode. A mode of healing and utilize mindful exercises the journey is manageable and upward mobile. Think what could be done for ourselves if we practice everyday and if we implemented this into our daily tasks and lives. My daily activities area challenging and might take more energy than for most. However, I realize I am not using all my tools in my mental tool box to help my physical self cope with pain and struggle. IF....i did ...maybe...i'd see a change that might just whip me off my feet.

Food for thought.

Taking things in parts.

When all seams like it is calm and I feel that nothing can touch me-- I'm wrong. IT seams that no matter where I go depression and frustration follow. It starts with me wanting to do "normal" things like unpack boxes or decorate my house. Then after only one box or one hanged framed piece I am in so much pain I must lay. I can't move. I close my eyes and try to block the pain out with meditation. My breath is even and the sun is shining. However, the pain is still there and no amount of calming is turning it away.

The skies are clear every day here. No clouds and no rain. It is cheery and amazing. Yet, here I am feeling physically rotten. Then pain brings a  mental struggle. Sadness over not being able to handle the smallest thing. Frustration over my broken body. Wits end over nothing alleviating the pain. I've done all I know to naturally work my bodies own strengths and gray matter for it's own good. Then, I turn to pain pills and anxiety meds and lastly to sleep. Sometimes there is nothing like sleep to heal the hurt. (be it physical and sometimes mental - or both.)

The part I am wanting is happiness again. I want to push past all this pain and all this sadness toward something good in my life . It is the first time in a long while that even while in pain everyday, I want to go back to school and learn again making a new life for myself. The plan:  I am able to incorporate my pain and manage it. I can do what I am wanting to do and move forward but at a pace that is my own.

This is something I have been working on for 8 years, What I mean is "figuring out my own and healthy pace". That pace refers to life...it refers to housecleaning and pretty much everything. It's taken me 8 years to slow my self down to do my laundry in increments and I intend on dissecting everything that way in my future to MAKE it happen. On that positive note.....It is hard to change....but if one wants to learn (and I do) anything is possible.