Pain's progression to the "ZONE OUT"....

                                     Sometimes it is ongoing and unrelenting pain that makes me calm. I can't believe I am saying this at all because it really drives me crazy and into depression much of the time. However, what I mean is that I become numb. I feel so very much that I just can't "feel" anymore. So, it is like my brain just goes into this strange state where I just stare ahead and think about nothing and feel nothing. I "ZONE OUT". 

When this happens I realize that so many things in our lives that we are worried about aren't important at all. So many things in our lives that we think are "painful" aren't. Now, pain, is perceived. So, I can't judge someones pain. I only know what a , we will say, needle in my finger tip feels like. That needle might feel more or less to someone else. 

What happens to me as I become exposed to pain on a daily, ongoing basis? 

Firstly I go into shock I think and become afraid of doing things that exacerbate that pain. I limit my activities almost too much because of my fear. 

Second, at first I become beat down by it. I let myself be tired and miserable. I allow myself to be saddened by it all the time and go into hibernation from life. 

Then, my body adjusts to pain every day and all day and non-relenting. It becomes "normal" and the smallest of sufferings in my life seam insignificant in comparison. A painful event that might scare the average person doesn't scare me. Just the opposite, I see it as an opportunity to feel pain in other areas that aren't my neck, head and shoulders. 

Maybe this is why I am drawn toward body piercings and tattoos. Some of them are beautiful , yes, but what is real to me is the "pain therapy". The tattoos have more of a significance than the piercings. They are more than "pain therapy". Although they start that way. Then they become something lasting and unchanging. Something constant in an ever-changing world. Even the theory of impermanence applies to tattoos because they do eventually fade and discolor. However the general structure is there as a comfort to me. Something is stable.

Also, there is coping. I have developed coping tools. Meditation is one and listening to calm music is another, talking to a friend or family member helps. I am sure there are others that might not be so positive coping mechanisms as well like eating...snacking to comfort myself. ....etc.

Now, to what I have started today thinking about.... The "ZONE OUT" moment. Its like my brain and body disconnect from its environment.  I am literally unable to think at all.  I can't move or feel or even sleep. Just stare...................................................................... 

What is that? What is that about? 

I am thankful today.

When I finally have a GOOD day with less pain and less struggle I forget to say thanks. I forget to be mindful. Only when things are really bad and I am in unreal pain do I think to be mindful.

Today I am going to remember to be mindful. I am going to remember to say to you all how thankful I am for a "good day". I felt well enough to jog and well enough to travel. Travel more than anything. I have such a hard time driving. I get very sick and feel very much pain. A trip that to an average person might be no problem....a short, simple trip of 30 min can put me in bed for a day. Not today so far. ......(knock on wood)   . I drove to a store and spent all the time I wanted there walking and looking. Florescent lights are another really bad trigger for pain and migraine for me....yes I was in florescent lighting too. I am happy to report so far .....nothing. Well, something.....just no migraine. OH YEAH.

So, this post is just to say that I am thankful. I am more than thankful. I am doing as a friend pointed out to me earlier in a message to me. I am being grateful and thankful. Thanks, friend, for reminding me what is important and what NOT to dwell on.

Love.

Tell me about your pain please?

Today I am posting about pain. Pure pain. What does it do to you? I want to hear how pain affects you? 

I am tired of hearing about my own troubles and, I am sure you know what i mean when I say, I am sick of hearing myself wine and complain about my own pain. 

Even with that said....two things today: I want to hear about your pain. Whats it like?   How does it limit your life?   How do you accommodate for it? Do you put limitations on yourself to make it better? 

So, with those question out there and I DO hope you respond.....I need to vent. 

The last week has been more than hard. I have been in severe pain. My Risotomy has worn off and that was about a month ago that the pain came back. Now the pain is even stronger due to the lack of this procedure (for those of you who don't know a Risotomy blocks the nerves from sending pain signals to my brain- --it brings great relief for me and stops the need for narcotics as much. 

With the loss of this procedure I am feeling the at least 75 percent of the pain I felt originally when I first got sick with nerve damage, muscles spasms and daily migraines. I have had a migraine every day for a week now. No amount of Imitrex is kick'in that bad boy. So, I am trying everything. I am trying all my old time remedies that I once had some relief from. Peppermint oil on my temples, ice packs, heat on my back, Chinese tea balls for inflammation. 

Mostly thought it has me thinking about how my whole process of thinking changes during my painful times. I become easily irritated and can't think straight. Ask me a question and I can't process it. My mind feels like fuzz. After about a week of severe muscle spasms in my shoulders and neck the pain is trickling down my back and into my arms. The worse part of this is that I am stuck at home. Suck in my house when it is so beautiful out. The light bothers me, sounds bother me, and if I would need to head to get groceries (which I do) I know for a fact that when I come back I will have a full force migraine and possible vomiting involved. (caused by florescent lights and lifting grocery bags) 

Yes, I am tired. I am worn down. I am more than anything and surprisingly so, ANGRY! I am mad as hell. I am mad that I have to be this way. I want so badly to get things done here at the house and do things that I know are needed right now. (with a new house there are many of those). 

I find myself being angry with the fact that I want to loose weight and feel better and so I have changed diet and change my exercise plan. My plan only works for me when I am "able". This angers and frustrates me. I get to my goals very slowly. I am impatient. If I think about it I find myself saying awful things in my mind about myself. How much fat I have to loose or how I am "STILL" not a size smaller that I wish for. I must have better control of my thoughts. This I know..................

Your body hears everything your mind says.
Naomi Judd 
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_health.html#AjTjQZOSkz6fef17.99 

I am trying very hard to put my anger into perspective about my predicament. What good will it do me. my anger poisons me and doesn't allow me to heal or meditate or move forward. It does nothing for me at all. 

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
Buddha 
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_anger.html#DlivVHSTXOY3M6QK.99 

Do you understand me? Do you have a story to share? Maybe you need to hear these things just as much as I do. Maybe you need to let go of your anger about your pain and maybe you and I together can cope in a more healthy way. 

_______________________________________________________________________

I strive toward "nirvâna", the absence of suffering, true peace. I hope for inner strength for my mind and for my body. I continue to push forward even though from where I sit at times it seams impossible. 

who I was and where I am headed

THe women I was before the pain was amazing. I took her for granted and never acknowledged her success in life. I am taking a moment to remember all her amazing doings. She was a professional photographer just as she planned. She was a force of woman-power in a male dominated field. People knew her name when they were thinking of amazing and moving portraiture. They thought of her for their weddings and passed her name along to their friends and family. She made art that captivated her colleagues.

Her dedication to her physical health was commendable. She went to the gym every day and made sure to eat the right nutrition. She was a jogger and missing that I look back to times I felt that amazing high after completing the goal.

Her happiness was true. It showed her contentment with being independent and with a for-filling career it was the way life was supposed to be. Not to say there weren't hard times and sadness to show her how great it was to be happy.

That women is someone now that I see as having been one life. Reborn as I am with challanges that never imagined having at such a young age I am forced to seperate myself from her in many ways. It was me but when I tell people about it ....it doesn't feel connected to who I am now. I want to take pride in the things I did but they are so far away that I am feeling like it is time to make some new things to be proud of. It might NOT be my career and it won't be the physically strong women I was then....However, it will be based on things I find to be for filling now. I am on the hunt for these things.  Some I am trying on for size are my Photographs, paintings and house decor in my own home. These things set me in a good way. Then slowly but surely I am changing my definition of physically fit. I am starting with the inside this time. Good, quality food first and then with less pain more stretching and faster walks till one day hopefully i will be jogging a bit agian.

With this celebration of--- who I was and where I am headed--- I leave you.

The mind is a powerful thing.

The mind is a powerful thing. The body follows the mind. I have learned this through personal experience. If my body hurts and I let it get me mentally down then I tend to lean and move toward a dark and unhappy place. If I turn toward tools of the mind like meditation and pleasant music, walks in the park, good smelling candles...etc...my mood is lifted and many times brings with it less pain.

If you set your mind in a certain mode. A mode of healing and utilize mindful exercises the journey is manageable and upward mobile. Think what could be done for ourselves if we practice everyday and if we implemented this into our daily tasks and lives. My daily activities area challenging and might take more energy than for most. However, I realize I am not using all my tools in my mental tool box to help my physical self cope with pain and struggle. IF....i did ...maybe...i'd see a change that might just whip me off my feet.

Food for thought.

Taking things in parts.

When all seams like it is calm and I feel that nothing can touch me-- I'm wrong. IT seams that no matter where I go depression and frustration follow. It starts with me wanting to do "normal" things like unpack boxes or decorate my house. Then after only one box or one hanged framed piece I am in so much pain I must lay. I can't move. I close my eyes and try to block the pain out with meditation. My breath is even and the sun is shining. However, the pain is still there and no amount of calming is turning it away.

The skies are clear every day here. No clouds and no rain. It is cheery and amazing. Yet, here I am feeling physically rotten. Then pain brings a  mental struggle. Sadness over not being able to handle the smallest thing. Frustration over my broken body. Wits end over nothing alleviating the pain. I've done all I know to naturally work my bodies own strengths and gray matter for it's own good. Then, I turn to pain pills and anxiety meds and lastly to sleep. Sometimes there is nothing like sleep to heal the hurt. (be it physical and sometimes mental - or both.)

The part I am wanting is happiness again. I want to push past all this pain and all this sadness toward something good in my life . It is the first time in a long while that even while in pain everyday, I want to go back to school and learn again making a new life for myself. The plan:  I am able to incorporate my pain and manage it. I can do what I am wanting to do and move forward but at a pace that is my own.

This is something I have been working on for 8 years, What I mean is "figuring out my own and healthy pace". That pace refers to life...it refers to housecleaning and pretty much everything. It's taken me 8 years to slow my self down to do my laundry in increments and I intend on dissecting everything that way in my future to MAKE it happen. On that positive note.....It is hard to change....but if one wants to learn (and I do) anything is possible.

My zen meditation garden needed STAT.

I feel like I was preyed upon by an emotional vampire. I have heard of such people and always thought the term was interesting but never really understood it's connotation. My significant other, only not by choice, is one of them. HIs problems take center stage even when mine are serious and even when I am hurting and need him more than usual. It breaks my heart that I am there for his every day drama and emergencies because of his ongoing dependance on me but when push comes to shove he always has something more important to attend to and even when i need his help he is unaware. Now that I have said this because it is what I am dealing with today, as of right now, that is a challenge when dealing with his mental illness..I must go on to tell you the unbelievable stressers that have come my way in the last week.

The last post dealt with my family and my sisters visit and the realization that my mother has no way to act when she needs help. She is paralyzed with her own fears and insecurities with who she is.

Just a week ago she was having physical episodes that seam to take form of both anxiety related attacks and also seizures and muscle and nerve action. All of which me and my sisters suffer from as well. Things progressively got worse and she was in bad shape. My sister, who lives with her, wanted to take her in to the ER to get treatment but thought she wasn't the one to make that call since my father is there to take care of his wife. However, he is off in his own world and very non-observant these days. He wasn't noticing how serious things had gotten over the course of a week. It is scary what could have happened if he hadn't finally noticed she was paralyzed on the couch having a seizure one night. What really blows my mind is she was having them for days. She has had them before and he was in such denial about the whole thing that he just.....well....didn't notice.
Here I am 12 hours away dealing with my significant other whom is sick from trying to get his mind under control with different medications. He isn't doing well with the transitions at all and no one. Not even his parents understand the severity of his situation. I live in fear still every day that I will come home and find him dead somewhere in this house.  His decisions are just so unpredictable. Not suicidal but you never know about another day.
Today he is withdrawn and pensive and usually this isn't good. Told me he just wanted to have some time alone so I am tyring to honor that.
 Why must every situation right now be so wrapped up in emotions and so unsettling. I want to be sitting in my zen garden listening to my deer chaser fountain with the wind blowing through the cherry blossom trees as I meditate. My breath going in and out and my body letting down its tensions. My mind letting go of its whirling thoughts.